So Tired

Kinnavieve is about one heroic run away from being geared well enough to tank Naxx. Now, whoever is responsible for healing her is going to have to work at it - she won't be shrugging off hits from bosses. But a couple pieces of rep gear, a session with an enchanter, and she'll be good enough. Problem is, if she stays in Aetherial Circle, I don't think she'll ever get the chance.

Putting together heroic runs is not something I'm good at, but I came home tonight determined to make one happen. Except a few minutes after I logged on, it was announced there was going to be a guild-wide Naxx pug. Everyone who wanted to go should sign on, and then they'd pick who got to go - a mix of experienced people and rooks. So I signed up. What they hey. Not like anyone was going to commit to a heroic with Naxx being dangled. And when they got their raid together, there was a healthy mix. For the dps, and the healers.

But the tanks? Mili and Celli. Uber geared. Uber experienced. Mili, fine. He was organizing it, he should pick himself. But he made it clear he was waiting for Celli to log on before going. Nobody asked abou my stats (and since I logged out in dps gear, I know no one made an evaluation based on the armory stats). It was just tanks without epics need not apply. And with ten people in Naxx, there weren't enough people left for a heroic. So no gearing up for Kinna either.

I'm sick of being behind the wave. People on the wave get to go on the good runs, whenever they want, people behind the wave have to make do with scraps. Sure, I could find pugs for the instances, but if all I have to look forward to is pugs, then why bother? That was why I made my AC toon my main in the first place, so I wouldn't have to feel alone. But now, I'm tired. Tired of feeling behind, on the outside, on my own. It's no fun, and that's the whole point of playing a game.

EDIT: Okay, so that was kinda QQish. Watching the oxygen get sucked out of the pool of people who can do heroics was pretty frustrating though. Hopefully that won't be a regular event - killing 1 boss a night in Naxx-10 isn't going to gear people up very fast, whoever you take.

Got Kinna's fishing to 300 this morning. As a special bonus, she got the weather-beaten fishing hat from the daily. Woot!

Leonid Brezhnev Woulda Killed For My Eyebrows

Assuming, that is, he felt his were insufficiently long and thick and inhumanly scary.

Women Would Kill For My Eyelashes

Long, thick, full-bodied, and A REAL FREAKING PAIN when you're eyes are dry and itchy and you just want to get some eyedrops in.

Grrrr.

Survived Another One

Me and Christmas, we don't get along too good. Goes back to when I was a teenager. As I grew up, it became less and less about feeling close to your loved ones for a day, and more about an orgy of materialism. Had a lot to do with our rising standard of living, and the winter mortality rate no longer running at 20-30%, I suppose. Whichever, Christmas became a day of deadlines and obligations and keeping score. Did you get a nice enough present for your mother? You don't want your grandparents to think you don't care, do you? God, I hated that. One year, we all agreed in mid-October that we would have a moratorium - no presents this year. Just be close as a family. Dec 24 rolls around, and everyone pulls out a stack of wrapped presents. Jeez, Michael, you took that seriously? Why? Well, you should apologize for that.

It's been a number of years, and I've made a lot of progress recovering from childhood issues and guilts, but this one still haunts me. There is much a love about the idea of Christmas, but much I hate about the reality.

A heavy North wind blew in last Sunday, bringing a shitload of cedar pollen along with it. My allergies are still running at full speed. Makes it hard to sleep at night, not being able to breathe. Then I got bit by some bugs on both my legs; fire ants, maybe. Wouldn't be so bad normally, but with the immune system in overdrive everything swelled and itched like crazy.

A few days ago, I was clumsy and careless and stupid, and as a result I caused a friend real distress. I feel terrible about having done this. I may have damaged our friendship - how badly I don't know yet - and I feel worse about this.

I began feeling real anger toward Brett this week, for the first time since moving out of the house. Kübler-Ross, stages of grief, all that. Healthy, normal part of dealing with loss. But this is Christmas, and I had promised to spend the Eve and the day with Brett and Taylor. So I chose to bury the anger, rather than let it hit everyone in the face. Doable. God knows I've had a lot of practice burying anger.

There is much I enjoy about Christmas. I like wrapping presents. I like baking pumpkin pies. I like The Grinch, and Ebeneezer Scrooge realizing he's alive, and eggnog. But I'm really glad this one is over.

I Get Feedback!

Conversation I had yesterday regarding this post:

Friend: so...
Me: hmm?
Friend: if I am reading your personal blog correctly...
Me: rut roh
Friend: as a married couple it would be months for sex?
Me: well, that's how it was turning out for us
Me: like 4 or 5 times a year
Friend: Oo
Friend: oO
Friend: OMFG. You were like room mates.
Me: that sounds a little low to you?
Friend: ...
Friend: low
Friend: I think I would kill myself.

So, I guess I'm not the only one thinking things were out of balance. Moot at this point, but still reassuring.

So, You Just Wish I Could Have Been Happy With You

Well, I wish a few things too.

I wish you had taken me seriously when I said I was getting close to the end of my rope.

I wish you hadn't insisted I was wrong when I said our home life was depressing me.

I wish you had been willing to come up with some kind of schedule for your farmwork, so the rest of us could know when to expect you and when not to.

I wish you hadn't insisted that we never throw anything out, ever.

I wish you had given me as much notice as you did your cows.

I wish you hadn't said that I would have to just learn to accept situations, because I didn't have any choice.

I wish you hadn't picked the wives of rich doctors, who spent their days being social and helping out with charitable events, as your role models.

I wish you had been willing to work with me when I said I wanted less complexity in our lives.

I wish you cared enough to give me a real reason to consider coming back.

Sometimes I Talk Too Much

I also think too much. Which is why I'm getting rid of what I'd originally wriiten here. Things'll be okay.

Friends

Been kinda of a roller-coastery week. At points, I felt happy to the point of giddy over some new experiences. At other times, I felt pretty damn low. But I've had friends to share both with, friends who made it clear they cared. A year ago, this wasn't the case.

Thanks, guys. Y'all are the best.

Somber

February will mark the six months since I moved out of the house. Tonight, Brett asked me where I wanted us to be at the point. And I had to tell her, that I felt that it would be bring our current state of limbo to a close. Either she needed to be seeing a therapist and dealing with her issues, or we needed to be seeing a couples therapist again, and make real progress toward reconciliation (which I believe is a long shot) or it would be time to begin making our separation official, and file for divorce.

God it hurt to say that. The words themselves hurt, and knowing that I was hurting her made it even worse. 

There's been so much pain these recent years. I don't want to be responsible for creating even more. But to not be honest, to pretend things can somehow magically get better on their own, would be so much worse. I need to be strong, somehow. To keep following the course I need  to in order to survive. And hopefully manage to not create any more pain along the way than is necessary.

I Think My Perspective Is Skewed

Apparently, there's a survey that apparently is being talked about in shock and dismay. Here's the NY Times' take on it. Apparently 46% of women and 30% of men said they'd rather go without sex for two weeks than go without the internet for two weeks. Um... so?

I think it's pretty normal for Brett and I to have different thoughts on how often we wanted to have sex. She was okay with how things were, I would have liked a somewhat higher frequency. As I understand it, that's true for most married couples. What was always hard to know was, was she reasonable? Was I? How often is enough? Was I (as she maintained) ridiculously oversexed?

So, here's my response to that survey. Asking me which I'd give up for two weeks, something that's a regular part of my daily life or something I didn't have anyway? Pfft. No brainer. Shoot, you could bump it up to two months without sex or the internet, and it'd still be an obvious choice.

Obviously, everyone's lives and circumstances are different, and with something as complicated as sex, I think it's impossible to say what's normal and what isn't. But I kinda get the sense from these survey results that I'm not the only one who'd think that sex every few months is kinda on the low side.

So, I'm A Bit Of A Doofus

But Hydra says I'm a cute doofus, so I'm okay with that.

Here Fishy Fishy!

My paladin character, Kinnavieve, only needs one more day to reach exalted with the Tuskarrs, at which point they will sell her an epic fishing pole. Not only does it give a big bonus to fishing skill, but it allows you to breathe underwater. Cool stuff.

Problem is, you need a minimum fishing skill level to use this pole, and as of yesterday Kinna had no skill. None. Zip. Never talked to the trainer, never bought a cheap generic pole, never caught a fish. And we're talking hours of fishing to reach the minimum starting from scratch.

So last night, Kinna and I settled in and started fishing. Fish fish fish. Caught over 500 of the slippery buggers (there's an Achievement for this, and the game announces it to your whole guild) and got about halfway to the required skill level. And it would have been boring as hell, except it wasn't.

A friend of mine got on Vent with me and we spent the evening talking. Some of it was about Warcraft, of course, but we also talked about jobs and childhoods and relationships and various other stuff that makes life what it is. It was good, getting to know someone better, and it made the evening really enjoyable. A real nice change from the "gotta level gotta level GOTTA LEVEL" treadmill Kinnavieve and I have been on the past couple months.

Full of Win

Cats aren't my favorite pets, but they can be fun to watch at times. Enjoy.

Freddie Fixit

Just got back from opening night of "Just As You Are", a performance by the children's theater group Taylor joined this year. She was awesome. She played Freddie Fixit, head of the maintenance department, and was the comedic relief for the show. Not only was her delivary and timing spot-on, but she also cracked the audience up several times with her expressions and body language when she wasn't center stage. Plus, at one point when another girl forgot her line, Taylor stepped up and said "I believe I have often heard you say, 'blah blah blah.'" Best of all, she was clearly having a lot of fun up on the stage.

I's a very proud dad. :)

Thoughts on Warcraft and WotLK

Still trying to process how I feel about what happened during Thanksgiving. We shall see if writing about something else first helps or not.

First thoughts on Wrath. It's excellent. The Death Knight class, and the questline you go through as you create one was very impressive. The zones on the new continent (at least so far) are very well laid out, with questsgivers very efficiently organized in centers, with lots of breadcrumb quests to allow you to move on when you feel ready. Vehicles are an amusing diversion so far, but I expect they will become more advanced as I level up. Lots of variety, the graphics look great, lots of vactions with rewards worth getting. All in all, a very impresive creation.

Now, the race from 70 to 80. I missed out on the first expansion 2 years ago, so I really didn't know what to expect. And because of my vacation, I didn't play much for the first week and a half. Two and a half weeks in, I've noticed a few definite trends in my guild. As of today, there are twelve people at the new cap of 80. Every night, there are runs of heroic instances. Below the cap, though, there are 2-4 people at each level, and the number actually on-line at any given time is lower still. As a result, putting together a group of five people at the appropriate level for a given instance is a slower and much less frequent occurance. This is consistent with what I've seen with other releases of new content - some are in a position to surf the wave, scooping up new experiences and rewards with their comrades, while others pick their way along in the wake as best they can and try to not fall too far behind. It's a little frustrating, being behind the wave and seeing people showing off their shiny new loots in guild chat, while knowing that no one would give a damn about my generic quest rewards. I hope that we don't end up with a situation where the early 80s don't decide to go off and become a 10-man raiding group, rather than waiting for enough people to level and gear up to do 25s.

On a more positive note, my story of the Death Knight Vyprania was a huge success. I enjoyed writing something very different from the usual light NeedMoreRage fare, and the comments I got, as well as verbal feedback from friends, were extremely positive.

Sleepy, so Ima gonna stop here.

Night!

Quick Notes

The door on the office fridge is broken. If you aren't careful opening it, it falls off, which is annoying.

My baby paladin is now 71, and is actually slightly stronger than the orc. Go go Kinnavieve!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I shall be baking pumpkin pies, and this year I will make sure Taylor's dog does not take a bite out of each one.

Thawing Out

Back in Texas. The cold front coming through today means that the high will only be 68 degrees. I can live with that.

Dating Report

So, I logged into Warcraft last night and immediately got several whispers asking how my dates had gone. Which was pretty cool – makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, knowing that people are interested. Especially after such a long time of struggling with feelings of loneliness and yet needing to keep my life hidden from the outside world.

But yeah, back to the dates. Or dates with training wheels. Or just getting together for a bit with a friend. Or however you want to look at it. They went great. I can't remember the last time I sat down at a restaurant with a single, attractive, available (at least theoretically) woman. I'm sure it happened once or twice in the last seventeen years. Must have. Just been so long I can't remember. But it was really nice. Good conversations, some good laughs, no awkward pauses. I felt relaxed and comfortable (most of the time – more on that in a minute), and I think I did a decent job of holding up my end of the conversations without dominating. Now, obviously, Bell's been a very good friend for over six months now, and Steph and I have been friends for more than half our lives, so unless I somehow fucked the evening up with grandiose fuckosity, things were pretty much guaranteed to be at least okay, so that took a lot of the pressure off. But everything went a lot better than just okay, which is going to help a lot with the not freaking out if and when I get an opportunity to go on a date with someone who isn't a friend yet.

Well, I kinda did have a couple of "oh crap, I shouldn't be doing this, should I?" moments. And I had to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that no, I wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was all okay. No one was gonna get mad or think I was a jerk or anything. And then it passed and I was relaxed and happy again. Knowing I was with a friend helped.

One thing I'm going to have to work on, I realize, is getting used to very different rules on physical contact. After years of marriage, I'm pretty used to it being able to just reach out to the woman I'm talking to and stroke her hair or touch her knee or whatever, because she's my wife and it's okay. And all three of the relationships I've had in my life started with some degree of physical intimacy before moving on to dating. But with a woman I'm just getting to know, it's obviously going to have to start with pretty much minimal contact, and stay that way until …. I dunno what. But something. Like I said, gonna have to work on this at some point.

Steph told me before we said goodbye that she expects monthly reports on my dating progress, although she won't be grading me. At first. Oh, and she suggested I try meetup.com as a starting point for creating a real-life (as opposed to on-line) social life. So I checked it out a bit, and found a few groups that look interesting. So we shall see.

Addiction

So, I'm at the local mini-market the other day with my sister, 'cause I wanted to have some Diet Coke while I'm staying with her. And she asks, "Do you want one or two two-liter bottles?"

"Four"

"Four??!?"

"Yeah, four. What?"

Need More Warm

Cold Pennsylvania is cold.

Four Martinis Later....

... I feel pretty mellow. And sleepy.

Had dinner with my sister and her husband at their favorite martini bar. Apparently dinner is half-price saturday night, which weren't bad at all.

Talked a lot about dating with them, and before that with friends and my therapist. I was pretty freaked out the other night when I wrote that post - eHarmony is a scary, scary place. We WILL find your SOUL MATE in just SIX WEEKS if only you will TELL US EVERYTHING about YOU RIGHT NOW. Holy frack that was too much for someone like me who wants something, just not sure what. But I'm feeling much calmer about the subject now. Still confused and uncertain, but calm.

Some things I have learned and/or concluded:

While on a date, do not ask a woman what color underwear she has on.

Socialize more in real life - join some sort of club or organization where meeting women happens often.

Asking a woman out for a cup of her preferred caffeinated beverage is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Offering to fly to Chicago to go out for a cup of her preferred caffeinated beverage would probably be creepy and unadvisable.

Brett has in some sense been dating various guys for the past ten years. She would never call it that, and until now I haven't either. But looking back, there's always been some guy who needed her help, or would come over to help with some project like chainsawing trees or whatever, and after they'd talk and get some coffee or lemonade or whatever. Sounds a lot like what I'm contemplating now.

Dating 20-year-old college students when you're a preofessor and they're your students is wrong on so many levels. Dating 20-year-old college students when you're just a regular 40-year-old guy apparently may or may not be wrong, depending on whom you talk to and what kind of relationship you're talking about.

I'm having dinner with two different single women this week, both of whom are very dear to me. Excellent opportunities to get used to being in social situations with women while at the same time feeling perfectly safe just being myself. 

I are very sleepies. Nite nite!

On a Brighter Note

Just got back from the grocery store. Freezer is now fully stocked with popsicles.

Yeah, yeah, and some real food too.

Dating

Is it proper for a married man to date? It certainly doesn't feel proper. I mean, if I were to be totally up front about my current situation - separated, doesn't see any real hope of reconciliation but not yet ready to file for divorce, still in love with my wife even though living with her made me miserable - I have no doubt that any woman with a bit of sense would split post haste. Who would want to get entangled in that mess? Even at a casual, have dinner from time to time level. And being anything other than completely open is not acceptable.

On the other hand, pretty much all I know about dating comes from sitcoms, where everyone is young and beautiful and has great clothes and homes they couldn't possibly afford. Not the most authoritative source....

Thinking about it, there ought to be other people in similar situations, yes? Maybe a little farther down the path, but not ready to jump in the deep end. Or even the shallow end. Or any more than sit on the edge and dangle their toes in the water for a minute.

I tried looking into on-line dating services just now. Holy crap, was that intimidating. After skipping over the ones which weren't applicable (services for ethnic groups, religious affiliations, homosexuals, swingers, millionaires, etc.) pretty much everything I looked at was promising single women serious about a relationship looking for single men serious about a relationship. That's not me, at least not now. Possibly not for a long time. If I were to go this route, and I ain't saying I am, what I'd be looking for would be something with other people like me - confused, trying to start over and not wanting to take more than tiny steps and utterly clueless about how to do so. One would think there's some sort of market for that, yes? Gonna take more than a five-minute search to find it, apparently.

Or should I just wait until my situation is more resolved, and maybe it'd be easier. And proper.

This Got Nothing To Do With Nothing ...

... it's just irked the heck out of me for years now. So I'm gonna bitch about it.

It's the TV ads for those drugs to help guys have erections: Viagra, Cialis, that other one. Have you noticed that the actors in these ads are getting younger? Lately, the guy look like they're in their late 40s, with a wife who looks 10 years younger. It's one of those creeping things. Now these drugs were developed for men in the 70s and 80s who have real medical issues. I totally sympathize with those men. But, in their 40s? Give me a break. I'm 40, and everything works just fine. "Dude, I can't get it up as long and as often as I could when I was 18" is not a valid excuse to start taking prescription meds.

Nor do I believe the only reason this middle-aged couple is not having hot sex in the kitchen right now, or some other room of the house (or the outdoor deck with his and her bathtubs - wtf is up with that?) within 36 hours, is because the sink just spontaneously asploded. Sinks don't do that (and if they did, it sure as hell wouldn't be that funny). Teenaged daughter and her friend walk in, dog tells you he's gotta be taken on a walk or he's gonna go in the living room, oh crap dinner's burning - those would be believable.

It's Over

I really, really have got to figure out how to accept this and move on with my life. Whenever we talk, there's always "I need to do X" or "I have to do Y - I don't have a choice". And these are the same things they've always been - her farming operation or volunteer work at the school or pretty much anything that isn't about trying to repair our relationship. Nothing's changed, and it never will. 

I Need A Vacation

Been feeling stressed a lot lately. Between work issues, money issues, family issues, and warcraft issues, I haven't been having a lot of fun lately. Fortunately, in eleven days I'm flying up to Philadelphia to visit my sister. She's gonna take a few days off work, we're gonna watch movies and eat junk food and drink, I dunno, maybe margaritas. It's gonna be pure hedonistic sloth, and I'm gonna love it.

My sister and I have always gotten along well in our strange, weirdling way. Periodically one of us will break out a quote from something we saw as kids, the other will give the appropriate response:

"Plahsmah!"
"Dawg plahsmah!"

or,

"And you, how long have you been a robber?"
"Four foot one, sir."
"That long, eh? Jolly good."

or,

"Were you born this stupid, or did you take lessons?"
"I took lessons!" (indignantly)

We find this utterly hilarious, and of course everyone around thinks we are raving lunatics. Which is the best part of all.

I'm also going to take some time to visit a couple of friends while I'm up there. One of them was my best friend in college, since about the second week of freshman year, and she and I have kept more or less in contact over the years. We occasionally manage to be in the same place at the same time, and that's always good fun. The last time we saw each other was I think 10 years or so ago (eep! too long, too long!). When I sent her an e-mail letting her know I'd be around and asking if she wanted to get together for dinner, her response was "Dude! even if I had plans, I'd cancel them", which made me feel pretty good.

The other friend I'm going to see is my friend Bellwether, whom I've never met before. It's one of those internet-age on-line e-mail, IM friendships, that started with leaving comments on each other's blogs, then we started doing some stuff in Warcraft, then we started getting to know each other as regular people, outside of gaming. I've really come to appreciate not only her wit and her creativity and her utter unpredicatbility, but also her support when things get rough. It's going to be great to meet her and see her face and get to know her without the limitations of chat windows and text messages. But I gotta say I'm a little nervous too. What if I turn into a tongue-tied dweeb? What if I come across as boring in real life? Or even worse .... old? I know it's going to go great and I'll be really glad I did make it happen, it's just my nature to have unreasonable worries.

Anywho, 11 days 'til vacation!

"And you, how long have you been a robber?"

:: silence ::

"Jolllllly good."

Some Dogs Like To Go For A Walk

Mine prefers to go for a drag...

Voting

I voted today for president, for the fifth time in my life. 

I feel no allegiance to either major political party. Nor do I fit the labels of "liberal" or "conservative". I believe that we need more nuclear power, that the government should stay out of people's bedrooms, churches, and doctor's offices, that a modest national debt is a good thing, that we need a strong defense, that we need to protect species like polar bears and bald eagles and mountain gorillas but I couldn't care less about amphibians. I believe in hiways and free trade and embryonic stem cell research and progressive tax rates and giving people to save more and consume less.

In 2000 I was prepared to vote for John McCain, but he dropped out of the race before my state's primary.

In 2004 I heard Barak Obama speak, and thought "Holy crap, that man's going to be president someday."

Political campaigns are nasty, dirty, brutish events which leave all aspirants sullied. This has always been the case, going back at least to the ancient Athenians and probably long before them. It is unpleasant, but inevitable, and I accept this. What I Can. Not. Accept. is members of one campaign referring to citizens of this country as un-American, just because they have differing views on some issues. That they don't live in "real America". That they are anti-America. That is an attack on patriotic citizens, an attack on me, and an attack on the principles of democracy. It is an act worthy of Joe McCarthy, or the instigators of the salem witch trials. And it has cost their candidate my vote.

He may not have crossed over the line himself, but if he cannot govern his own campaign, how can he govern this nation?

Warcraft QQBBQ

So, like I said, Shadow Priests got majorly changed in the vew Version 3 of World of Warcraft, leaving me with a very well-geared character that I just don't enjoy playing any more. I've tried it, and it's just not fun for me. So I've been working hard to level up my paladin. She's only three levels away from Outland now, 15 from the cap, with two-and-a-half weeks to fo til the expansion. And I've been enjoying playing her. It looks like I just flat enjoy melee classes over casters - warriors, rogues, shaman, and now pallies.

Problem, though, is there's a lot of fun stuff going on right now. Headless Horseman, Achievements, and now the Scourge Invasion. But leveling takes time. A lot of time. So pretty much, I'm having to watch these things go on around me, without participating. Which is getting frustrating.  I'll be really glad when the expansion comes out, and I'm doing the same stuff as everyone else.

Okay, QQ off now.

Trials of Separation

My therapist thinks I should date other women. Be open to the possibility of intimacy with them too. Buy some really nice sheets for my bed, she told me one time. But definitely accept that reconciliation with Brett is not likely, and that she and I both know that I'd be miserable again if I moved back without Brett making big changes to how she behaves toward me.

I don't feel okay with the idea of dating. I went on a few dates when I was single, twenty years ago, but none of them led to anything. Might have been a second date or two, but I can't remember any third dates. Instead all of my relationships (a grand total of three) stared with friendship, then became physical, and then we got around to dating. Doing things in the more traditional order is a little intimidating. And then there are the implications. Going on dates with other women would mean giving up more of my unfounded optimism that still believes in the possibility that it can be worked out. 

Brett wants to reconcile. She flat out told me so last night. I'd gone over to the house for dinner and afterwards we played cards and thoroughly embarassed Taylor by giving her The Talk Part 3: Birth Control. We did a real good being a team, making it clear that we both felt this stuff was no big deal and that we expected her to put this information to use. After Taylor went to bed we talked some, and I said what I wanted was to be together but to be happy, and that I thought that would only be possible with more therapy, and she told me she wanted me to come back, and we ended up making out on the living room sofa. We have been much more physically affectionate these past two months than in recent years, and it feels so good. I love her, she loves me, and we want so much to be close.

But, it's not that easy.  Her instincts are still screwed up - sooner or later we'll have a difference of opinion, and she'll call me a loser and a jerk for having opinions or feelings different from hers. We'll agree to do something in a particular way, and then she'll go and do it her own way and be totally baffled as to why this bothers me - after all, it doesn't bother her. And we'd be right back where we were a few months ago, miserable and stressed and desparate for a way out. This just will not work.

And what do I want?

I don't know. I'm happy right now, happier than I've been in a long time. And I don't want to give that up. And I don't want to start any new commitments, just yet. But, keeping things in limbo might not be fair to Brett and Taylor, and possibly me. So, I just don't know. Wish it was simpler.

Coolest Damn Game EVAH!

Also known as mopping the floor, for those of us who are not six month old puppies.

Warcraft Frustrations

So, version 3 of World of Warcraft is scheduled to go live in a few days, with major reworks on combat rules, the roles of different classes and talent builds. Minor changes too, like pets no longer taking up valuable bag space and hairstyling available in all the cities. All in preparation for the Wrath of the Lich King expansion, which is due to hit next month. There's a lot to be excited about.

But I'm not.

My main character the past six months has been a Shadow Priests. Spriests play a useful role in raiding - their Vampiric Touch spell causes the damage they do to monsters is returned to their allies in the form of mana, giving them the ability to cast more spells and do more damage without running out of mana. During a long fight, a shadow priest can return more mana than there was to start with. Additionally, spriests debuff their target, making them more vulnerable to attack, particularly from shadow magic. To balance this, our ability to do damage is less than that of other caster classes, such as mages and warlocks. But it's a fair trade, and I've enjoyed being the guy that makes it easier for others to do their jobs.

But that's all going away.

With the new rules, spriests are supposed to be generic casters. There will remain some mana resotration ability, but it will be at a flate rate - independent of how effectively we're hurting the monster. And two other specs - survival hunters and retribution paladins - will also be able to provide that mana. And the debuffs on our targets? Gone. To balance this, our damage is supposed to be ramped up to the point where we can match anyone in the raid.

But Blizzard got the math wrong.

All of the beta testers and theorycrafters are reporting that spriests are still at the bottom of the pack, damage-wise. Blizzard has aknowledged that something is wrong and that they're still working on it, but the actual class designer has said nothing. And now weeks have gone by with no changes, no updates, no explanations. Meanwhile, other classes are getting what appear to be final tweaks to their abilities. 

People are getting excited about the changes. Lots of buzz on the internet. Not everyone getting stuff as cool as the rhino pets for hunters, but most folks are getting something. There are complaints about Blizz pushing some specs to play in a way different than they'd like. There have been a few outcries when one rule change causes real problems (holy pallies comes to mind) but those seem to be getting addressed fairly quickly. I don't think any of the other classes are outright not working as supposed to, except ours.

I know my guild would allow me to keep raiding, even if the shadow priest build remains broken.. Showing up on time, bringing supplies, following instructions, and not standing in the fire count for a lot. Possibly being a nice guy helps too. But I don't want to the weak link in the raid's chain. It has zero appeal. And since I can't tell what Blizzard will do or when they'll do it, I'm no longer willing to wait on them to fix the problem of crappy dps. I've created a paladin, and I'm focusing on getting her leveled as fast as possible. I'd like to get to level 70 before the expansion, but even if I only get as fas as 58 or so I'll be ahead of the new Death Knights, and that should be enough to be at 80 when we start the new raids.

But it's really frustrating to hear the buzz and excitement going on around me, and not feel a part of it.

Things

Things I now have that I didn't before:

• mop
• ladle (needed for making proper pancakes!)
• toilet brush
• up-to-date vehicle registration

Things I still need to get:

• Waffle iron (even one that doesn't make Mickey Mouse waffles)
  
• small trash can
• cheese knife
• vehicle inspection
• nail clippers
  

Spontaneous Human Combustion

When you're a computer simulation of the inside of a car to see if the air conditioning is keeping the driver comfortable, and the computer reports that his skin temperature is approximately 10,000 degrees, you know something is not right.

I Wants A Strawberry Milkshake

Used to be in the movies, the way they let you know two people had just had sex was to show them lying in bed, with the Amazing Bifurcated Bedsheet that covered her up to the armpits but him only up to the waist, enjoying cigarettes. Not being a smoker, I've never felt any desire to light up after a romp in the sack. I often get a craving for something else quite sinful, though much tastier - a strawberry milkshake. Don't ask me why, I just do. Earlier in my marriage, that was something we'd joke about sometimes - "wanna earn a strawberry milkshake tonight?" Of course, unlike cigarettes, you can't keep milkshakes on the bedside table and McDonalds won't deliver them, so most of the time I would just do without.

Fast forward to two nights ago. I took Brett and Taylor out to dinner, and we spent part of that discussing dating as part of our project have The Talk with the kid. We covered things like dating is fun, dating is normal, dating is a progression and everybody moves at their own pace. I think we successfully cleared up a misconception that guys always to turn into drunken louts by the fourth date - no idea where that came from - but that if something like that should happen she can always call either of us to come get her. I think it went okay. Then I took them home and Brett invited me in for a few minutes. This ended up turning into the two of us cuddling on the sofa watching tv. And after Taylor went to be, things got a lot more intimate.

It was romantic and passionate and really, really wonderful. And after, we lay there holding each other for maybe an hour. But eventually it was time for me to leave, and that was hard on both of us. Brett said she couldn't bear to see me go, and left the room while I was getting dressed. I was really tempted to spend the night, to pretend a little longer that everything was all right between us. But I moved out for real reasons, reasons which are just as valid as they were two months ago, and it just seemed like a bad idea. So I went back to my apartment, walked the dog, and went to bed.

Ma Bell Hates Meh

So ah hates her back.

I got home after having been a way a week to find my phone service dead. No dial tone, no DSL, nada. Calls to AT&T on my cell established that 1) they hadn't disconnected me due to billing issues or anything 2) there were no widespread outages in my area 3) they had no idea what the problem was. So, they tell me they're sending out a service guy sometime today to look into it. We shall see.

She Pwned Teh Face

I stayed up a couple hours later then normal last nice, 'cause Bell offered to run orctacles through RFK so he could finish a quest, and that was when she was available. <3 Bell. Figured I'd just stay in bed a little later this morning to make up for it. Unfortunately, I forgot to explain this to the dog.

5 am the Buffy torpedo slams into my face with maximum licking action. YOU MUST BE BATHED! she announced, and proceeded to lick my cheeks, nose, eyebrows, mouth-- BLURGH!

So I got up, took her for a walk, and then did some dailies.

Football, And A Moment Of Closeness

Brett invited me over to the house to watch a football game yesterday. Since she has the 46" hi-def and I have ... umm ... my cell phone? if I wanna pay for it? I took her up on it. It was a nice, relaxing afternoon. She fixed some nachos, we had a beer or two, we put our feet up and watched the Patriots show that the Jets can't beat them, even with Brett Favre and no Tom Brady. Oh well.

After the game, she needed to go meet someone for a while. She asked if I wanted to stay and watch the Steelers play the night game, but I said no, I'd rather leave as planned, while things were going well. She understood that. So we hugged, and kissed, and kissed more, and caressed, and ...

"I want you" she whispered. I can't remember the last time she said anything like that to me. But she had to go, and saying sneaking off to the bedroom for a quickie when the kid would've known exactly what we were up to just wasn't something I felt comfortable with. So we left it at that, and said goodbye, and went our separate ways.

I don't know if that moment will come again for months, if ever. And part of me regrets not taking her hand and leading her into the bedroom, regardless of the circumstances. But mostly right now I'm just enjoying knowing that, despite what's happened, we can both still feel that desire for each other.

I Can Haz Hurricane?

We're kinda weird here in central Texas in that we want hurricanes to hit us. Hurricanes mean rain to refill the lakes and aquifers after a hot, dry summer. Yeah, they can do some wind damage too, but we're far enough inland that the winds usually have dropped a fair amount by the time they get here.

So far this summer, three different hurricanes have made landfall on or near Texas, and we haven't gotten diddly rain from any of them. Last night Ike came ashore near Houston, and we're supposed to get some rain out of this one. Right now, though, we're just getting a strong breeze, and looking at the weather sites I'm not at all sure that this one won't miss us too.

Phooey.

Updates

Took Buffy to the vet this morning. He took out her stitches, and said that her range of motion in the borked leg looks good. However, gotta keep the locked in a crate except when on a leash treatment going another couple weeks. She's not gonna like that...

Also, several crates of fruit bars are being airlifted in tonight from the grocery store down the street, narrowly avoiding a popsicle catastrophe of epic proportions.

/cry

I'm out of Dreyer's Fruit Bars.

/despair

New Rule

Buffy's leg appears to be healing, but it's a slow process. I'm tired of having to come home at lunch every day to walk her. I'm tired of having to force her to swallow jagnormous fish oil pills every evening. And she's tired of being locked in a cage all day and not allowed to run around and jump on the bed and all that.

Taylor broke her leg last February. Brett broke her foot in March. and Now Buffy. So, new rule. Nobody in my life is allowed to break their leg without they get permission from everyone else first.

So there.

Sex Ed

Brett and I were talking the other day, and we agreed that being in 6th grade means it's time for more thorough talks with Taylor about sex. Not the "where do babies come from" talk - we've covered that long time ago, and she's got a pretty good handle on at leasts the basics of biology, anatomy, and reproduction. Plan to go into some more detail, but that won't be a big deal. Also want to cover stuff like birth control, relationships, why people have sex, and why they don't. I'm a believer in giving kids lots of information, so they can at least have a chance to know what they're doing, and letting them know that you see that you're comfortable talking about it - that you see it as a part of life & not something to be embarrassed about.

And for the most part, I'm pretty comfortable with this. It's how I was raised, and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. I've never believed that teaching kids about sex encourages them to have sex, any more than wearing seatbelts encourages people to drive into brick walls. I also would just as soon she not "save herself for marriage." From personal experience, I know that two virgins having sex can be awkward, clumsy, and unsatisfying. I want her to enjoy her wedding night, ya know? So, at some point, she's going to make some choices, and I want her to be ready to make good ones. And I want her to be comfortable getting answers to any questions she has - whether from me, her mother, or books - not rely on friends who may or may not know what they're talking about.

For the most part, I think Brett and I can share this job. We pretty much see eye-to-eye on a lot of this. There are a couple of areas where I'm pretty ignorant, though, and probably would muck things up if I talked to Taylor about them. One obvious one is menstruation. The fact that I'm okay buying tampons at the grocery store hardly is sufficient qualification. I'd do my best if I had to, but I think it's okay to let her mother handle this subject.

One that's not so obvious is masturbation. Now, for a boy this would be pretty easy - the mechanics are straightforward, and mostly you just need to remind them to stop from time to time. But for a girl? I know it's more complex, not just the act itself but the whole significance of it. And I know it's different from person to person. And that's about as much as I know. And I don't think it's something I can leave to Brett. She told me early in our marriage that she'd tried it one time as a teen, didn't get much out of it, and never masturbated again. I can't help but think that masturbation is part of a healthy sex life, and Taylor's going more information than either of us can give her. But, I'm flying blind here - maybe it's not so big a deal as I'm making it. Tried looking on Amazon for a book that might help with this, but so far all I've found is sex ed primers and softcore porn, neither of which is any help. Bleh. Gotta keep looking, I guess.

Cooking Tip

When cracking eggs and you suddenly realize that your brain has been somewhere else and you are a fraction of a second from dumping the contents down the garbage disposal....

Just write the dang egg off. Do NOT try to change course in mid-dump and swing the egg around to over the mixing bowl which is on the opposite side of the kitchen. Is a bad, bad idea.

Doing All Right

Couple of folks have checked in, just to see how I'm doing these days, and it's much appreciated. Fortunately, the answer is I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. For so long, I think fear has been what's kept me with Brett. Fear of being alone. Fear of traumatizing Taylor. Fear of the unknown. But now that I've moved out on my own, it turns to be okay. The many friends I've made through Need More Rage this past year have really helped a lot - it's easier to not feel alone when you know you have people you can talk to. And Taylor appears to be adjusting okay, at least so far. I'm sure there'll be times when it hits her hard, but I now think we'll be able to handle those when they happen.

One of the things I did to make it easier for me to take this leap was to tell myself (and Brett) that there was a good chance it wouldn't be permanent. That I would still be looking for ways to bring us back together, once the raw nerves and tensions had had some time to recover. But now, roughly two weeks after moving out, I really can't imagine ever going back. I was so unhappy in that environment, and now, while I won't go so far as to say I'm happy, I'm certainly less unhappy than I've been in years.

And Buffy the puppy? She's doing fine too - surgery on her knee went well, and now instead of a splint immobilizing her leg, she just has a pin inside it. The challenging part is that we need to keep her from running or jumping for the next four weeks. That ain't gonna be easy - she likes her funs.

Puppy is Borked

So, here's a (not very good) shot of me and Buffy, my 3-month old pug. The other night, my daughter was holding her and she decided she wanted "Down. Now!", so she wiggled a bit and flooped out of the kid's arms. But she landed badly and started screaming - "YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!!!!! YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!" I immediately rushed over and picked her up and held her 'til she calmed down, but it became obvious pretty quickly that any weight on the right front leg was very painful to her.

So the next morning I took her to the animal hospital, first thing. Sure enough, it's broken. Right at the elbow. They put a splint on her, and wrapped it in bright pink medical whatever. If she was a 7-year-old girl, it'd be perfect for her friends to sign with lots of flowers and hearts and all. But she's a dog, so she doesn't care. All she knows is, there's something on her leg that makes it non-bendy and longer than any of the others. But within a few hours she'd figured out how to scamper around on three legs, with the fourth doing some sort of windmilly action alongside.

Unfortunately, the way the bone is broken, it's not going to heal properly on its own, which would lead to arthritis and other nasty stuff as she gets older. So tomorrow, I've got to take her in for surgery, to get it set properly. Don't know yet if that means pins or what.

Poor little unsuspecting puppy.

Screwed By Ma Bell

And I didn't even get any cuddle time after.

So a week-and-a-half ago I ordered a phone service / DSL package from AT&T, through their web site. The phone started working on Monday, as promised. But no sign of the DSL kit. So I waits. And waits some more. I tried accessing my account through the web site, but it claimed my phone number didn't exist. Blargh.

Finally, this morning I get a live person on the phone. "I'm sorry, there's no record of you having ordered DSL." Great googly moogly. How is this possible, when I ordered a package? So, we get the order re-submitted, but the earliest the service can be in place is Monday. Assuming they don't lose the paperwork again.

Fegh.

Stuff

Just bought this.

Really waaaannnnnt this.

Old Friends Are Worth Their Weight in Inkjet Cartridges

Spent an hour or so on the phone with Bridget last night. Now, I've known Bridget most of my life - ever since I was in 11th grade, and she was in 8th. Back then, she was a friend of my sister's, but the two of us got along well. One summer things some chemistry changed, and she became the first girl I kissed (more than once), the first girl I fell in love with, the first pretty much everything. It eventually came to an end, and that was painful for a while, but after time I realized things had run their course and she was right to break it off. But we kept in touch, off and on, over the years. And we're both very different people now then we were then, but that's okay. We still care about each other, and find each other interesting, and can be relaxed with each other.

So like I sad, we talked for about an hour. About my marriage, my daughter, my plans. About how I felt like Brett and I used two completely different sets of logic. How I was feeling scared and excited and sad and relieved all at the same time. How I've tried for so long to just be a decent guy, who wants everyone's needs to be met. And it felt good to just let go and say what I felt and not feel a need to remain unbiased and impartial and uncritical. I find it very hard to be that way with my friends; the instinct to stay above the fray, even if it means holding back on what I feel. I'm working on that, and with people I've met through blogging, who don't know Brett, it's easier. But with Bridget, it was really easy. Maybe because we'd been so close before I'd gotten to know Brett.

So thanks Bridget. It helped a lot.

Oh, and one more thing. She totally gets how strong on-line friendships can be, and how important they can be. So stick that in yer ear, Miss "you don't have many real friends" Wife-o-mine.

The heck???

My new microwave oven has a number of pre-sets. I've never liked these, since I never had any trouble figuring out that "This needs to be cooked about 1 minute on high, and if it ain't quite done give it another 20 seconds." But apparently there's some demand for this feature, 'cause pretty much every model has them now. "popcorn" and "slice of pizza" and "hard-boiled egg" and so on. But this one really caught my eye.

"Ice cream"

Ummm.... who the heck puts ice cream in the microwave. And then trusts a pre-programmed setting to soften it just enough without meliting the shnoggers out of it????!?

New Bed

I spent a good chunk of last night assembling the bed I bought at Ikea. Lots and lots of exotic screws and fasteners holding together pine boards. It occurred to me that this was the first piece of furniture I'd ever bought by myself. Everything else I've ever owned has been hand-me-downs from family or friends, things we picked out jointly, and stuff Brett brought with her or scrounged somewhere. But this was something I'd picked out just for me, with no consideration of what Brett would want. It's low to the ground, uses springy slats instead of a box spring, and a plain headboard. She'd hate it.

And then this other thing that occurred to me. For the past few years, I've pretty much not been having sex with my wife. But now, I'm going to have the freedom and opportunity to not have sex with whomover I want. That's right. Movie stars! Olympic athletes! Wives of friends! Women with attractive voices on Vent! The possibilities are endless.

None of This Makes Much Sense

Just got an e-mail today from my dad, telling me he's proud of me. Proud??? WTF is up with that?

Well, Huh

The closer I get to moving out, the more Brett and I seem comfortable with each other. Not all the time - we're still capable of really aggravating each other. But I know from my perspective at least, a lot of it just doesn't seem to matter as much. And that makes it easier to relax around each other. I think that speaks well for us staying close, no matter what happens in the months to come.

I've always been afraid of not having Brett in my life. But now that I've decided on moving out, that fear seems to be fading. Part of it is that the Rubicon is crossed, the die is cast (something jactum est - the Latin is fading away...), and it just wasn't that bad. But the pther part, I think, is that it looks like we're going to be able to still be friends, maybe more so than we have in a long time. Assuming, you know, it doesn't all blow up suddenly. Which probably will always remain a possibility.

Blegh

Puppy woke me up at 4 am again. I thought we had this worked out!

Organizing Some Plans

After a year and a half of blogging as Ratshag, I'm gonna try going back to blogging as me for a bit. Here's where I can say things about WoW guild politics, my marriage and the impending collapse thereof, my dog, my family, and whatever the hell else I feel like saying. What I don't want to do is let this turn into a site for grumpy rants, 'cause that's not a lot of fun. There will be silly stuff from time to time; I just don't want to feel like I need to be upbeat all the time, the way Ratshag is.

Don't know if anyone'll read this or not. For at least a while I'm not going try to advertise this. No links from Need More Rage or anything. I'll probably let a few friends know it exists, and they can read it or not, as they choose. Not gonna install site meter or even e-mail comments to myself. Get plenty of attention on NMR - far more than I ever expected, or even wanted. No need for more here.

Been wanting to do this for a while. Fun as the orc is, he can be rather confining. Here, I'll talk about how I really feel, and I'll see where that takes me. If anywhere.

Frustration

I want to take bold decisive steps. But I don't know what they are.

I need NetBeans installed on my work computer, but I can't figure out how, and the local IT guy is out of the country.

I want to move into my apartment TODAY, but I don't have a bed yet.

I want to make love to a wonderful woman, but I have no idea who she is, or why she'd want anything to do with me.

So, Is This Wrong?

I don't think so. 'Cause there's nothing to it. I don't think. But, there are no rules written down anywhere, I don't think. So I muddle along in confusion.


Edit: So, I told her about sometimes fantasizing about her. Not that it's what I'm after, just that my imagination takes these very pleasant trips sometimes. And she was totally cool about it. And I feel a lot better not feeling like I'm hiding something from my friend.