Trials of Separation

My therapist thinks I should date other women. Be open to the possibility of intimacy with them too. Buy some really nice sheets for my bed, she told me one time. But definitely accept that reconciliation with Brett is not likely, and that she and I both know that I'd be miserable again if I moved back without Brett making big changes to how she behaves toward me.

I don't feel okay with the idea of dating. I went on a few dates when I was single, twenty years ago, but none of them led to anything. Might have been a second date or two, but I can't remember any third dates. Instead all of my relationships (a grand total of three) stared with friendship, then became physical, and then we got around to dating. Doing things in the more traditional order is a little intimidating. And then there are the implications. Going on dates with other women would mean giving up more of my unfounded optimism that still believes in the possibility that it can be worked out. 

Brett wants to reconcile. She flat out told me so last night. I'd gone over to the house for dinner and afterwards we played cards and thoroughly embarassed Taylor by giving her The Talk Part 3: Birth Control. We did a real good being a team, making it clear that we both felt this stuff was no big deal and that we expected her to put this information to use. After Taylor went to bed we talked some, and I said what I wanted was to be together but to be happy, and that I thought that would only be possible with more therapy, and she told me she wanted me to come back, and we ended up making out on the living room sofa. We have been much more physically affectionate these past two months than in recent years, and it feels so good. I love her, she loves me, and we want so much to be close.

But, it's not that easy.  Her instincts are still screwed up - sooner or later we'll have a difference of opinion, and she'll call me a loser and a jerk for having opinions or feelings different from hers. We'll agree to do something in a particular way, and then she'll go and do it her own way and be totally baffled as to why this bothers me - after all, it doesn't bother her. And we'd be right back where we were a few months ago, miserable and stressed and desparate for a way out. This just will not work.

And what do I want?

I don't know. I'm happy right now, happier than I've been in a long time. And I don't want to give that up. And I don't want to start any new commitments, just yet. But, keeping things in limbo might not be fair to Brett and Taylor, and possibly me. So, I just don't know. Wish it was simpler.