Doing All Right

Couple of folks have checked in, just to see how I'm doing these days, and it's much appreciated. Fortunately, the answer is I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. For so long, I think fear has been what's kept me with Brett. Fear of being alone. Fear of traumatizing Taylor. Fear of the unknown. But now that I've moved out on my own, it turns to be okay. The many friends I've made through Need More Rage this past year have really helped a lot - it's easier to not feel alone when you know you have people you can talk to. And Taylor appears to be adjusting okay, at least so far. I'm sure there'll be times when it hits her hard, but I now think we'll be able to handle those when they happen.

One of the things I did to make it easier for me to take this leap was to tell myself (and Brett) that there was a good chance it wouldn't be permanent. That I would still be looking for ways to bring us back together, once the raw nerves and tensions had had some time to recover. But now, roughly two weeks after moving out, I really can't imagine ever going back. I was so unhappy in that environment, and now, while I won't go so far as to say I'm happy, I'm certainly less unhappy than I've been in years.

And Buffy the puppy? She's doing fine too - surgery on her knee went well, and now instead of a splint immobilizing her leg, she just has a pin inside it. The challenging part is that we need to keep her from running or jumping for the next four weeks. That ain't gonna be easy - she likes her funs.

Puppy is Borked

So, here's a (not very good) shot of me and Buffy, my 3-month old pug. The other night, my daughter was holding her and she decided she wanted "Down. Now!", so she wiggled a bit and flooped out of the kid's arms. But she landed badly and started screaming - "YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!!!!! YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!" I immediately rushed over and picked her up and held her 'til she calmed down, but it became obvious pretty quickly that any weight on the right front leg was very painful to her.

So the next morning I took her to the animal hospital, first thing. Sure enough, it's broken. Right at the elbow. They put a splint on her, and wrapped it in bright pink medical whatever. If she was a 7-year-old girl, it'd be perfect for her friends to sign with lots of flowers and hearts and all. But she's a dog, so she doesn't care. All she knows is, there's something on her leg that makes it non-bendy and longer than any of the others. But within a few hours she'd figured out how to scamper around on three legs, with the fourth doing some sort of windmilly action alongside.

Unfortunately, the way the bone is broken, it's not going to heal properly on its own, which would lead to arthritis and other nasty stuff as she gets older. So tomorrow, I've got to take her in for surgery, to get it set properly. Don't know yet if that means pins or what.

Poor little unsuspecting puppy.

Screwed By Ma Bell

And I didn't even get any cuddle time after.

So a week-and-a-half ago I ordered a phone service / DSL package from AT&T, through their web site. The phone started working on Monday, as promised. But no sign of the DSL kit. So I waits. And waits some more. I tried accessing my account through the web site, but it claimed my phone number didn't exist. Blargh.

Finally, this morning I get a live person on the phone. "I'm sorry, there's no record of you having ordered DSL." Great googly moogly. How is this possible, when I ordered a package? So, we get the order re-submitted, but the earliest the service can be in place is Monday. Assuming they don't lose the paperwork again.

Fegh.

Stuff

Just bought this.

Really waaaannnnnt this.

Old Friends Are Worth Their Weight in Inkjet Cartridges

Spent an hour or so on the phone with Bridget last night. Now, I've known Bridget most of my life - ever since I was in 11th grade, and she was in 8th. Back then, she was a friend of my sister's, but the two of us got along well. One summer things some chemistry changed, and she became the first girl I kissed (more than once), the first girl I fell in love with, the first pretty much everything. It eventually came to an end, and that was painful for a while, but after time I realized things had run their course and she was right to break it off. But we kept in touch, off and on, over the years. And we're both very different people now then we were then, but that's okay. We still care about each other, and find each other interesting, and can be relaxed with each other.

So like I sad, we talked for about an hour. About my marriage, my daughter, my plans. About how I felt like Brett and I used two completely different sets of logic. How I was feeling scared and excited and sad and relieved all at the same time. How I've tried for so long to just be a decent guy, who wants everyone's needs to be met. And it felt good to just let go and say what I felt and not feel a need to remain unbiased and impartial and uncritical. I find it very hard to be that way with my friends; the instinct to stay above the fray, even if it means holding back on what I feel. I'm working on that, and with people I've met through blogging, who don't know Brett, it's easier. But with Bridget, it was really easy. Maybe because we'd been so close before I'd gotten to know Brett.

So thanks Bridget. It helped a lot.

Oh, and one more thing. She totally gets how strong on-line friendships can be, and how important they can be. So stick that in yer ear, Miss "you don't have many real friends" Wife-o-mine.

The heck???

My new microwave oven has a number of pre-sets. I've never liked these, since I never had any trouble figuring out that "This needs to be cooked about 1 minute on high, and if it ain't quite done give it another 20 seconds." But apparently there's some demand for this feature, 'cause pretty much every model has them now. "popcorn" and "slice of pizza" and "hard-boiled egg" and so on. But this one really caught my eye.

"Ice cream"

Ummm.... who the heck puts ice cream in the microwave. And then trusts a pre-programmed setting to soften it just enough without meliting the shnoggers out of it????!?

New Bed

I spent a good chunk of last night assembling the bed I bought at Ikea. Lots and lots of exotic screws and fasteners holding together pine boards. It occurred to me that this was the first piece of furniture I'd ever bought by myself. Everything else I've ever owned has been hand-me-downs from family or friends, things we picked out jointly, and stuff Brett brought with her or scrounged somewhere. But this was something I'd picked out just for me, with no consideration of what Brett would want. It's low to the ground, uses springy slats instead of a box spring, and a plain headboard. She'd hate it.

And then this other thing that occurred to me. For the past few years, I've pretty much not been having sex with my wife. But now, I'm going to have the freedom and opportunity to not have sex with whomover I want. That's right. Movie stars! Olympic athletes! Wives of friends! Women with attractive voices on Vent! The possibilities are endless.

None of This Makes Much Sense

Just got an e-mail today from my dad, telling me he's proud of me. Proud??? WTF is up with that?

Well, Huh

The closer I get to moving out, the more Brett and I seem comfortable with each other. Not all the time - we're still capable of really aggravating each other. But I know from my perspective at least, a lot of it just doesn't seem to matter as much. And that makes it easier to relax around each other. I think that speaks well for us staying close, no matter what happens in the months to come.

I've always been afraid of not having Brett in my life. But now that I've decided on moving out, that fear seems to be fading. Part of it is that the Rubicon is crossed, the die is cast (something jactum est - the Latin is fading away...), and it just wasn't that bad. But the pther part, I think, is that it looks like we're going to be able to still be friends, maybe more so than we have in a long time. Assuming, you know, it doesn't all blow up suddenly. Which probably will always remain a possibility.

Blegh

Puppy woke me up at 4 am again. I thought we had this worked out!

Organizing Some Plans

After a year and a half of blogging as Ratshag, I'm gonna try going back to blogging as me for a bit. Here's where I can say things about WoW guild politics, my marriage and the impending collapse thereof, my dog, my family, and whatever the hell else I feel like saying. What I don't want to do is let this turn into a site for grumpy rants, 'cause that's not a lot of fun. There will be silly stuff from time to time; I just don't want to feel like I need to be upbeat all the time, the way Ratshag is.

Don't know if anyone'll read this or not. For at least a while I'm not going try to advertise this. No links from Need More Rage or anything. I'll probably let a few friends know it exists, and they can read it or not, as they choose. Not gonna install site meter or even e-mail comments to myself. Get plenty of attention on NMR - far more than I ever expected, or even wanted. No need for more here.

Been wanting to do this for a while. Fun as the orc is, he can be rather confining. Here, I'll talk about how I really feel, and I'll see where that takes me. If anywhere.

Frustration

I want to take bold decisive steps. But I don't know what they are.

I need NetBeans installed on my work computer, but I can't figure out how, and the local IT guy is out of the country.

I want to move into my apartment TODAY, but I don't have a bed yet.

I want to make love to a wonderful woman, but I have no idea who she is, or why she'd want anything to do with me.