Very Important Numbers

Many muches.

All of it.

257.

One million hundred.

Does you need me to kill you? You will like.*




*Okay, this one isn't really a number. But it's still important.

I think I've Found My New Favorite Restaurant

With. Always with jelly beans.

Living The Life Unexpected

I work days and Julie works nights, so we sometimes only get a few minutes together in a 24-hour period. Not fun, but you make the most of the time you do have. The other day I got home at the usual time, and Julie was taking a shower before going to work at the usual time. So I stand in bathroom doorway and we talk about nothing of any particular importance.

And then she took the showerhead down (it's one of those with a flexible hose), pulled back the curtain, and sprayed me! With absolutely no provocation or justification!

There were some obscenities. Some name calling. And a lot of hysterical laughing.

My parents observed when they came down to visit a month ago how I've come alive again, after years of slowly dying inside. It's because I get to spend my life laughing again, instead of just surviving.

And then of course we had to have the "I don't want to go to work" conversation. It's pretty routine, but she always finds a way to keep it fresh.

"I don't wanna go to work. I gonna quit my job."

"You're gonna do it, huh?"

"Yeah. You think there's a lot of demand for big overweight prostitiutes with double masectomies?"

"WHAT? Oh, hell no. Even if I thought there was, do you think I would tell you that there was?"

"Don't be such a big baby. You're not getting any tonight, but someone might as well."

One never knows what will come out of Julie's mouth. And I love it.

Apparently I Lack Credibility

"I think I gotta kill you dead."
"You gotta do that, huh?"
"Yah, I does. You bring me the knife."
"All right, but give me a minute to prepare myself."
"You're so full of it. You ain't gonna bring me that knife."

10 Things A Corporation Could Do If It Was Really A Person

It has become fashionable in some certain sectors of our society to argue that corporations, because they are made up of people, actually are people, with First Amendment rights. Not that corporations are particularly interested in, say, having to worship whichever religion they believe in, but they are interested in spending money to get certain politicians elected. Lots of money. Millions upon millions of dollars, because the right politicians can pass laws that result in far more money flowing into the corporations' coffers. GE earned $14.2 billion in 2010, yet owed zero in taxes. All completely legal.

Mitt Romney, who will probably become the Republican nominee this year by virtue of being able to blast his rivals into oblivion with corporation-paid-for commercials, is a strong advocate for the "corporations are people" argument. But there's more to being a person than contributing to a political campaign. Below is a short list of life experiences that most of us have done at least some of, yet no corporation ever has. Some of us may even most of these. (If you've done all them, though, for gods' sake take a break and lie down for a while.)

Work at McDonalds for minimum wage.

Participate in a wet t-shirt contest during spring break.

Lose its virginity.

Wander around the house trying to remember where it left its keys.

Go on "Dancing With The Stars".

Have its entire body scanned through its clothes by the TSA.

Throw up after drinking too much tequila.

Join the Army and have to do what the drill sergeant tells it to do.

Clean up the accident the puppy had on the living room carpet.

Be executed in Texas.


Seriously, when Tom Bergeron announces, "Tonight, ExxonMobil will be dancing the foxtrot with Maksim Chmerkovskiy", then maybe I'll believe corporations are people. Not before.

I'd Want To Know, Too

via

Julie Doesn't Like Taking her Top Off For The Cancer Doctors Either

Don't know if Mardi Gras beads would make it better for her too....

She's Probably Right (She Usually Is)

Julie: So what are you getting me for Christmas?
Me: I can't tell you. It's a surprise.
Julie: Is it one of the two things I've told you I want but didn't just go buy myself?
Me: No, it's something else.
Julie: How can you know it's something I want if I didn't tell you?
Me: I came up with it on my own - I used my brain.
Julie: You no have brain!

"We All Have A Burden In Life. I Am Your Burden. Your Fault You Chose Me."

During my shower:

"I'm going to steal your towel."
"You can not! I need it."
"You do not, you big baby."
"I do. Otherwise I will drip."
"You crazy shit."
"Did you just call me a 'crazy shit'?"
"Ya, you like."


As I am getting out:

"Come here. I will pour root beer on you."
"You can not! I'm all clean."
"It's still in the bottle, you fathead. It's clean."
"It will get me all sticky."
"Don't be silly. It's diet."

Typical Monday Morning Conversation

Julie:  My snuggie is in the car.  Can you come home and bring it to me?

me:  there are no blankets already inside?

Julie:  I need the snuggie

I am trying to sit up and read this text book

me:  you could turn off the fan and the a/c

Julie:  are you insane?

me:  apparently

Julie:  also

the humidifier needs to be filled

how am I supposed to function without you??

me:  I thought you liked being in control of your life

Julie:  you do NOT get to use my personality quirks against me when I am being lazy.

besides Buffy is asleep under the blankets lying on me, you don't want to disturb her do you?

me:  she barks at signposts. she's already disturbed

me:  aw. Buffy is learning Growth & Development

 

Julie:  yah

Jabba the Pug

Taken from here.

I'm Not Inspired Yet, But I'm Getting Close

Back when we first started dating, Julie decided she was ready to lose weight. But then her dad died, and then she was diagnosed with cancer, and then her uncle died, and with all the stress those caused dieting just wasn't in the cards. Particularly during the chemotherapy, when all that mattered was "will this food stay down?"

But time has past, and life is much more settled now, and she's decided it's time to give it a go. For two weeks now, she's been monitoring her calories and taking herself to the gym nearly every day. She also signed up to do an extra shift at the hospital every week for the next few months, at the end of which she'll get a very nice bonus. So she's been pushing herself hard. And it's paying off - she's down about ten pounds so far, and while it's hard work, it isn't overwhelming her. Even the edema in her chest isn't any worse than usual (or if it is, she's fighting through it without telling me).

I'm very excited to see this. Less than two years ago, she was so weak from the cancer treatments. Just one night of work would leave her exhausted for days. But now, she's strong, she's in control of her life, and she's accomplishing her goals. I am very, very proud of her. I am even starting to feel a little motivated to start pushing myself to go back to exercising too, although not quite yet. Soon.

She just walked in here after taking a shower to show off how when she wraps the towel around herself there's no longer a gap at the bottom from not reaching all the way around her stomach. That is a big hooray (although the lecherous part of me thinks that means we need smaller towels...).

Shake It, Baby!

I Couldn't Not Post This

Okay, you can go back to your lives now.

Five Facts They Don't Teach In History Class

1) A conspiracy of the founding fathers, led by John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, assasinated George Washington in 1784 as he was leaving his Masonic lodge.

2) The Spanish-American War of 1898 was triggered by a dispute over whether the Havana Sugarcutters (now the Arizona Diamondbacks) would join the American or the National League.

3) The Declaration of Independence was actually written by two socialists and a Baptist minister in 1891.

4) The state of California sank into the ocean in 1961. A joint effort by the FBI, the NSA, and the Walt Disney Company maintain the illusion that it is still there.

5) Lincoln's brain was kept alive in a jar, now stored in a secret vault under the Lincoln Memorial. Once a month the president comes down to the vault to consult with Lincoln's brain on current affairs of state. Most of the rest of the time, Lincoln's brain plays Battlefield III and Mario Brothers.

You Giefs iPhone Right Nao!

Julie: What you getting me for my birthday?

Me: A present.

J: What kind of present?

M: A wrapped one.

J: I know you're getting me a new iPhone, why you not just admit it?

M: You're birthday's in two weeks. You'll find out then.

J: That is too many long! I cannot wait.

M: Just be patient.

J: I cannot! I has a many fatigue and stress. You giefs me my present nao!

M: It's not your birthday yet.

J: I need!

M: I does not has yet.

J: you gonna forget to buy me one, I know it.

-- two days later --

J: I bought a new case for my phone that you're gonna give me for my birthday! See?

M: I guess I'm getting you a phone for your birthday.

J: Hooray! You go get it for me right now.

M: I don't have the money right now.

J: Well, don't you forget to buy it until the last minute and then I won't be able to use it on my trip to Florida.

M: I will get it on my next payday.

J: Good. We can go buy it together. This way I know you not screw it up, and then you can giefs!

M: But that's still a week before your birthday.

J: You're missing the point. You're not too bright, are you? That's okay, I love you anyway.

Story Time

This all happened 35-40 years ago, and most of it is second or third hand, and kids don't always understand what's going on in the adult world. So I don't claim that what I remember is exactly what happened. However, my perceptions of it made a big difference in how I see the world and the people in it, and that's what really matters.

I was probably four years old (which would make it 1972 or so) when my parents invited a man to come over for dinner at our home in Pittsburgh. I remember that he was big (a lot bigger than my dad, who was roughly average-size) and black and rather intimidating to a little kid. Based But he was friendly and after a bit I got used to him, and decided he was okay after all. Pretty typical kid reaction to a stranger in the house. I don't think I ever saw him again.

About a year later, we had moved to Connecticut, bought a house in the suburbs and survived the great ice storm of '73. One day my mom said dad was going to be out of town for a few days, which wasn't that unusual an occurrence, since he traveled a lot on business. She asked if I remembered that man who had come over for dinner, and I did. Well, apparently he was having some trouble with something, and dad was helping him out. Okay.

I don't remember when it came up exactly, or why, but at some point mom filled me in on the story. I was older, but still a kid. Maybe about ten or so. Apparently, dad had spent some time going to prisons and counseling inmates as part of a church outreach program. Now, dad's religious beliefs have careened from atheist to born-again christian and back again over the course of his adult life, with stops along the way for Lutheranism, Catholicism, Judaism, and Anglicanism. Probably some other stuff in there too. I'm not sure where exactly he was in this colorful journey when he was visiting prisons, but I think in the early 70s it would have been more about social justice and less about saving eternal souls. Anyway, that's where he met this man, and he had just gotten out when my parents had him over for dinner. The trouble he was having a couple years later was about as serious as it gets - he'd been charged with murder. My dad had taken time off from work, traveled to another state, and testified as a character witness. Apparently having Dr. T. A. Cruse, PhD, a white upper-middle class engineer speaking on behalf of a poor ex-con black man impressed the hell out of the jury, and he was found not guilty.

Demographically, I'm about as privileged as it gets in this country. White, male, educated, intelligent, heterosexual, two parents who loved me and each other, the list goes on and on. But I learned a valuable lesson, watching my dad as I grew up. Having been dealt all the goods cards doesn't make you better than other people, it just means you were luckier. And sometimes, to be a man means doing right by other people - even if you have to step out of your comfort zone and stick your neck out a bit. I've been thinking about this story a lot this past week, with the BlizzCon kerfluffle. In addition to raising my voice on my blog I took a few steps I don't usually take to try to influence the president of a multi-billion dollar company. I have no idea if anything I did had the slightest impact on how it all ultimately played out, but it never occurred to me not to try. I was not targeted by that hateful video in any way, and I could easily have done nothing. But I know I did right by my fellow gamers, and I sleep pretty good at night knowing I did. Would I still have done it, had I not seen dad's examples - this story and a number of other times, big and small that dad did the right thing. I don't know. Quite possibly not. So thank you dad, for showing me how to be a grown-up, even when it's not convenient.

Too Old To Rock& Roll, Too Young To Die

Julie (singing): I.... want to rock and roll all night!
Me (quasi-singing): And part of every day!
Julie: Um, you know, the line is supposed to be "and party every day"
Me: Yeah, well, I'm too old to do it full-time anymore, if I want to rock and roll all night. So I'm just going part-time.
Julie: Michael, you were born too old to party every day.

What Are You Thinking About?

Next time someone asks me that, I'm just going to point them to this comic. Because, yeah, that's pretty much what's going on in my brain at any given moment...

Does You Need Me To Kill You Dead?

Does you need me to kill you dead?
Why would I need that?
I dunno. I just asking.
Well, that was thoughtful of you.
Yah, I'm a nice person.

Does you need me to kill you dead?
No! Of course not!
Yes you do. Why you lie to me?

Does you need me to kill you dead?
I don't think so. Why would I?
Why wouldn't you?
Well, if you did, I wouldn't be happy.
How would you know? You'd be dead.
Okay, I guess that's hard to argue with.

Does you need me to kill you dead?
If you did, who would give you rubs?
Well, yes, that would be a problem. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the greater good.
That's very noble of you.
Yah, I know. It's my nature.

(Just a few conversations we've had over the past few days. I'm guessing not too many people have conversations that would sound this terrible if taken out of context.)