Survived Another One

Me and Christmas, we don't get along too good. Goes back to when I was a teenager. As I grew up, it became less and less about feeling close to your loved ones for a day, and more about an orgy of materialism. Had a lot to do with our rising standard of living, and the winter mortality rate no longer running at 20-30%, I suppose. Whichever, Christmas became a day of deadlines and obligations and keeping score. Did you get a nice enough present for your mother? You don't want your grandparents to think you don't care, do you? God, I hated that. One year, we all agreed in mid-October that we would have a moratorium - no presents this year. Just be close as a family. Dec 24 rolls around, and everyone pulls out a stack of wrapped presents. Jeez, Michael, you took that seriously? Why? Well, you should apologize for that.

It's been a number of years, and I've made a lot of progress recovering from childhood issues and guilts, but this one still haunts me. There is much a love about the idea of Christmas, but much I hate about the reality.

A heavy North wind blew in last Sunday, bringing a shitload of cedar pollen along with it. My allergies are still running at full speed. Makes it hard to sleep at night, not being able to breathe. Then I got bit by some bugs on both my legs; fire ants, maybe. Wouldn't be so bad normally, but with the immune system in overdrive everything swelled and itched like crazy.

A few days ago, I was clumsy and careless and stupid, and as a result I caused a friend real distress. I feel terrible about having done this. I may have damaged our friendship - how badly I don't know yet - and I feel worse about this.

I began feeling real anger toward Brett this week, for the first time since moving out of the house. Kübler-Ross, stages of grief, all that. Healthy, normal part of dealing with loss. But this is Christmas, and I had promised to spend the Eve and the day with Brett and Taylor. So I chose to bury the anger, rather than let it hit everyone in the face. Doable. God knows I've had a lot of practice burying anger.

There is much I enjoy about Christmas. I like wrapping presents. I like baking pumpkin pies. I like The Grinch, and Ebeneezer Scrooge realizing he's alive, and eggnog. But I'm really glad this one is over.