Real Quick Cancer Update

With two of the planned six chemotherapy cycles completed, today's scan shows that Julie's tumors have greatly decreased in size. Hooray! Is very good news.

And The Winner Is...

Possibility Number 2. Brett did not show up. So my lawyer and I ran down all the assets and debts and child support plans and how we wanted it all divided, and the judge said "sounds fine to me. you're divorced." I'm not even required to notify Brett or anything. She does get 30 days to claim I pulled a shenanigans, but the burden of proof would be on her, and since I didn't she would lose. I just, you know, didn't go out of my way to act as her unpaid personal secretary.

I am still in shock. It was over so damn fast...

So, What's Gonna Happen?

Today is the day of my divorce trial. I read recently that only 15% of divorces in the US end up going this far, and half of those involve allegations of abuse. All I can say is, my lawyer and I have tried repeatedly to negotiate a settlement, only to be met with hostility or silence. The most recent attempt was eleven days ago, when my lawyer and I were up half the night assembling all the financial documents Brett said she wanted to see before she would sign the agreement, only to have her cancel the meeting at the last minute with a truly vitriolic e-mail.

No wonder we couldn't make the marriage work.

I figure one of four things will happen today:

1) Brett shows up with a recently hired lawyer, who immediately asks the judge to postpone until she's had time to prepare. Brett asked me for $1200 just a week ago to hire an attorney, so it could happen.

2) Brett doesn't show up. I win by forfeit, but Brett gains another platform to tell our daughter how I screwed her. Since the check I gave her for the lawyer hasn't been cashed yet, it could happen.

3) Brett shows up without a lawyer, and begs for more time and rants about how unfair it is that she is going to have to, you know, get a job some time in the next couple of years. Probably would be awkward as hell.

4) Brett and her newly hired lawyer spring some sneak attack that neither my lawyer or I anticipated. I don't see how, but that is the nature of sneak attacks.

Meanwhile, Julie is getting her first chemotherapy treatment today. I would so much rather be with her.

Serious But Not Dire

Julie got the full diagnosis and treatment plan from her oncologist yesterday. Her cancer is in Stage 3 and has spread to two lymph nodes. She's going to need months of treatment, first chemo and then a bilateral mastectomy, but she will probably beat it (survival rate for people at this stage is something like 60%). This is tough, but it's much better than if it had metastasized and gone to Stage 4, in which case we'd be looking at a survival rate closer to 20%. So, we are both feeling relieved and optimistic today.

Many, many thanks to everyone and their kind thoughts.

Time For Something More Light-Hearted

Past time, in fact. So here's some pics of Taylor's Halloween costume. She decided she wanted to be an Ent, and designed and assembled her costume in the space of a few hours Saturday.

Knee Deep In Financial Documents...

...for the divorce. Gods, I want this to be over.

Luckiest Man In The World

The results of Julie's biopsy are, to put it simply, grim. She has a fast-growing, very likely to metastasize, cancer. There doing more tests now, to find out what the full picture is, but if indeed it has already spread then the odds of her surviving five years are not great. It would be so easy to curse the universe for teasing me, for dropping this woman who is perfect for me in my lap, only to threaten to take her away again. But that's not how I feel. I'm scared, I'm worried, but I also know that I have a wonderful, smart, funny, sexy woman to share my life with. A woman who thinks I am wonderful, and is happy to show me that she does. And, no matter what happens, no matter if our time together will be years or decades or only a few months, I still feel I am the luckiest man in the world.

It's Not Right

Julie and I both feel we've been waiting our whole lives to find each other. All the bad marriages, bad relationships, missteps, miscues, have taught us so much about who we are, and about what we want. Had we met twenty years ago, neither of us would have been the least attracted to each other. But now we know that we belong together, that we can be happy together. And everything is going to be as it should, finally.

This morning, Julie found out she has breast cancer. We don't know yet how bad it is, what the prognosis will be. But even best case, it won't be good. Physical pain and misery, financial stress, worry. And it very well may not be best case. The thought that I could lose the woman I belong with, now that I've finally found her, is terrifying. But I know Julie needs me to be strong for her, to help her, to be with her, because as bad as is this for me, it's much worse for her. I don't know how I'm going to do this, I just know I have to.

This just isn't right.

Update: Talked to a good friend whose mom is currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer. It helped a lot. I feel a lot less panicky now. No matter what, I am so, so glad Julie won't have to be alone.

I'm A What?

Julie is a registered nurse, and works the night shift at a hospital Intensive Care Unit, which means 7pm to 7am, or 6 to 6, my time. She often calls me while she's driving home, before I go to work, so we can chat a bit. It's a really nice way to start the day, but this morning's conversation took a rather unexpected turn.

Me (feeling all lovey-dovey): You're my best Julie.

You're my smartest Julie.

You're my funniest Julie.

Julie: You're an asshole.

Me: ...

Julie: Oh, I just realized how that sounded. I was talking to the guy doing 20 mph in front of me, not to you.

This is So Freakin' Cool

A random story generator!

My latest story: "The Neuronauts"

In a dystopian medieval Europe, a young student of metaphysics stumbles across an enchanted sword which spurs him into conflict with his own insecurity vis-à-vis girls, with the help of a shape-shifting female assassin and her closet full of assault rifles, culminating in authorial preaching through the mouths of the characters.

Wow, this'll save lots of time.

Life update

Things I now have:
1) A non-stick frying pan
2) A plastic spatula for my non-stick frying pan
3) Grunty!
4) Table and chairs
5) Small dog's mouth-sized holes in my sofa cushions

Things I do not yet have:
1) iPhone
2) Book 5 in the Song of Ice and Fire series
3) Food processor
4) A positive cash flow
5) Peanut butter

World of Warcraft Update

If you don't play World of Warcraft, feel free to not read this one. It probably won't make any sense.

Julie and I just got back from BlizzCon. I thought it was okay but not great. My favorite part was getting to meet friends whom I'd only known through the internet before, like TJ and Hydra. My least favorite part was how dark it was in the convention. I guess they were trying to set a gaming atmosphere, and it may have worked for a lot of folks, but I don't see well in the dark without my glasses, and I hadn't brought them because I wasn't planning to do much driving. So mostly I was squinting a lot and fumbling around, and it's hard to relax and enjoy under those conditions. Ah well.

Ratshag's little Horde guild has come a long way in the past 10 months. We've started doing heroics, and people are talking about wanting to recruit a bit so we can do some 10-man raids. There's been a bit of burn-out and ennui, but nothing like what we were undergoing at this point in Burning Crusade. I'd like to think my leadership and formulating long-term plans had something to do with that. It strokes my ego, doncha know?

On the Alliance side, I have two level 80s, both in BBB's Sidhe Devils guild. Vyp the death knight is now geared up to where she can do respectable dps in a Naxx raid, and I've brought Kinnavieve the tankadin over from her old guild. There are times I miss Aetherial Circle, but then I remind myself that I was missing it even when I was still there. Guilds are dynamic, living entities, with people joining and leaving all the time for many reasons, and AC had become a more hard-core, less silly place as a result. SD is a much more relaxed place, with no pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and at this point in my life that's exactly what I need. And it seems to be working out for Julie as well (hooray!). I had been reluctant to ask her to transfer her characters over, because I wasn't sure she'd be okay in such a laid-back place, but she's adjusted to it.

Hoping to get several more characters to 80 before the expansion hits next year. Got Ratdorf the priest at 71, Kalishna the death knugget at 60, Orctacles at 44, Alayda the shaman at 35, and Danger Mouse the rogue at 33. Should be no problem to get them all there, right?

One Year Anniversary

It's been a year since I moved out of the house. At the time I was hoping it was a temporary thing, that a little space would lower the stress levels enough that Brett and I could figure out how to love each other again, how to live together again. What I found was I didn't want to go back, that I was much happier not trying to share my life with her. For a while, I was conflicted, grasping at small glimmers of hope for reconciliation as if they were life preservers, only to have reality crush those hopes into the mud. Or drown them, I guess would fit better with the metaphor. I finally screwed up my courage and told her I was done trying to make it work, done trying to keep the love alive. It was clear to me that, for both of us, it was quite dead.

It's been five months since I told Brett I wanted a divorce. Naively, I thought that if I proposed terms which were much more favorable to her than what the law requires that she would see that it was a good deal, and accept before I came to my senses and changed my mind. The law in Texas is you split everything 50-50, assets and liabilities, and pay spousal support temporarily if one spouse needs some time to get their shit together and find a job. Instead, I basically proposed that she get all the cash and I get all the debt, plus I'd pay $1700 a month for nine months after the divorce, plus I'd pay for the house (which she would live in) until Taylor goes to college in six years, at which point we'd sell it and split the proceeds.

She weren't having that. It was like a sitcom episode, where the guy tries to tell his girlfriend he wants to break up, only to have her say "Yeah, that doesn't work for me. So where are we going for dinner tonight?" Brett has refused to agree to anything without talking to a lawyer first. Fine. But she hasn't bothered to talk to a lawyer. She's pretty much stopped talking about it at all. I want to be a good guy. I want to give her a chance to come to terms with this, and to find a way to decouple our financial lives in a way that allows her to stand on her feet. But she doesn't have the right to make me put my life on hold forever, and after five months enough is enough.

Before a judge will hear my petition for a divorce, we have to try mediation, with a professional mediator. I welcome this. I want an agreement with Brett, not something handed down by a judge after two lawyers have tossed hand grenades around the room. I called Brett today, and told her that this would be coming, that my lawyer would let her know when a date was set. I told her that I would be open to discussing any changes or wholesale alterations to my proposal. That I was definitely not going into this with a "not one penny more" attitude. That I wanted to give her time to think it through and figure out what would work for (quietly leaving out that she's had months already). Her response? "Thank you for the heads up."

Will she show up to the mediation session? Will she say anything? Will she use it as an opportunity to try to lash out, or look helpless? Or will we actually be able to reach an agreement so that we both can move on with our lives?

I guess I'll find out.

Status Update

Things I Now Have:
1. A crock pot
2. A divorce petition, filed with the county court
3. Two pairs of pants that fit
4. A dog who tries to chase her tail, even though it is too short and her turn radius too large to ever catch it

Things I Do Not Have:
1. A video of my dog trying to chase her tail
2. Patio furniture
3. An agreement on how to divide everything with the STBX
4. An iPod

The Storyteller

Taylor played the Storyteller in her acting class's original production, The Story. Here's the video I shot of the opening song.

Ummm .... The Hey?

I would love to hear the explanation for this... uh... whatever it is.

Hope, and Empathy

Brett never understood that what kept me going for so long was that my hope that somehow, something would change. Get better. And it kept overwhelming my rational side, convincing me to stick around, stick it out. And now I don't love her, and that hope is gone, and I can see things clearly at last.

Yesterday, being around her at Taylor's performance, it was clear that she's hoping that, somehow, I'll come back. No rational reason for it - I left months ago, I told her I didn't want to come back, I told her I want a divorce. But it's still there. And it's going to get crushed into the ground by the weight of cold, hard reality over the next few months, just like my hopes were. It's not something I would want for anybody - I know exactly how painful it is, how badly it hurts. And yet I'm going to be the one pulling the levers, setting the wheels in motion.

It's the right thing to do. I know that, not just for me, but for her too. And I will press on with it. But knowing what she's going through, pain that I wouldn't wish on a stranger, let alone someone I shared my life with, is going to suck.

No matter that she did the same to me.

Divorce

So, made an appointment to meet with a divorce attorney tomorrow. Go over details, crunch some numbers, come up with a game plan. I need to propose something to Brett that is generous enough that that she can accept it, but not so generous that I end up supporting her as well as Taylor.

I want to be fair. I want to make sure Taylor is taken care of. But after spending most of her adult life being supported by me, and yet complaining that I didn't do enough, I'm not at all sure what Brett is going to consider "fair". If those goes to a fight, I have no doubt that I'll end up coming out ahead financially, but we'll all feel like we lost. And that would be the wost possible outcome.

Bleh. I just want this to be over.

I Has a Future

Okay, well, I haven't been putting up much about my personal life, because I've been enjoying it instead of struggling to make sense of it. Over the past six weeks or so, Julie and I have been growing closer and closer, more and more certain that we have found the right person, the one to spend the rest of our lives with. We've each had a chance to visit each other for a weekend, and she's coming to see me again for three days next week. It hasn't all been sunshine and puppies - long-distance relationships are hard, and when things get stressful (like, the when the "omg there's no way someone this wonderful could be in love with me - I must be making a fool of myself" fear hits) there's no way to just reach out and hold each other and be comforted. Instead, we have to rely on talking to each other. And we have gotten good at it, at talking, at communicating, letting the other know how much we love them. And it is wonderful.

It was only five days after we first started talking that we had this conversation. I'd been arguing with myself for two hours, trying to convince myself I couldn't possibly be feeling what I was feeling. That it just didn't make sense.

me: I think I am seriously falling for you. And - it's not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to spend months looking, going on dates with the wrong person again and again
and I don't understand what I did to deserve someone who just seems so right just appear out nowhere
the universe is something that always has played against me with loaded dice
being a nice decent guy has always meant that someone else gets the girl
and yet here you are
so loving and open and just so
so
so wonderful
Julie: see, now this is a response :)
Me: hush I gotta keep going
and you think I'm pretty special too
I just really can't believe this is happening - at some point I'm going to wake up and have to deal with the work of finding someone
just someone good enough
and yet here you are, and I'm thinking that, in spite of all my determination to go slow
to not get ahead of myself
to remember that I've only known you a few days
to remember that there's a risk of looking for any port in a storm
in spite of all that, and I've got a lot of willpower, don't underestimate it
in spite of all that
I'm crazy about you
I want to hop on a plane tonight and come see you
I want to wait patiently for three years, seeing you on weekends now and then, because I think you are worth waiting for
I think you are absolutely the most wonderful thing thing to happen to me in a long, long time
and even though this is a crazy, preposterous, reckless thing to say, I'm going to say it anyway
because it is true
I think I'm falling in love with you
Julie: ...can I talk now? :)
me: ok
I'm done
Julie: would ditto be a bad thing to say here?

Her three sons will be out of high school in a few years. She's promised them that she won't leave Florida until then, and I want to stay here to be close to Taylor. So, we're going to do the long-distance thing as best we can, visiting when we can, calling and e-mailing as often as possible. And when the time comes, and we can be together, it will be so wonderful. And, oh yeah, I'm gonna marry her.

Today's Lesson

Do Not buy a box of popsicles and then forget to take them out of the trunk of the car when you get home.

It were a catastrophe.

Update

Things I Do Not Yet Possess:

1. Bottle of banana rum
2. Divorce attorney
3. A clue what to submit to 20th year college reunion yearbook
   

Things I Do Possess:

1. 13x9 Cake pan
2. Roll of aluminum foil (kinda messed up from when I dropped it on the floor and it unrolled)
3. Reservations for a stateroom on a Carnival cruise ship for next December (with balcony!)
   

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So, So Happy

I can't believe it's only been a week.

I can't believe the universe decided to drop a sexy, intelligent, independent, caring, patient, wonderful woman who's crazy about me into my life at just the right moment.

The universe is slipping. If it was on its game, it would have dangled her in front of me when I was still trying to save my marriage, or put her in my path, only to have her fall for some tall handsome jerk instead.

Silly universe.

ZOMG My Mind Is Spinning

But, in a totally good way.

Last November, I was feeling all set to go out and start dating. Had no idea who or how to go about it, but darn it! I was ready to move on with my life. And then that all came crashing down in an unpleasant train wreck as parts of my brain rebelled, insisting that I stick with what was familiar and comfortable. "But she made us unhappy!" "Too bad! We hate risk and uncertainty and loneliness!" Not understanding what was going on in my head, I managed to make an ass of myself and damaged a friendship (it's mostly recovered since then, but there's still some tender scars).

Then I retreated back to Brett. Spent a lot of time at the house at Christmas, fell into bed with her several times, let myself believe she was serious when she talked about finding a new therapist and working on the issues that had driven us apart.

So, after a month or so of this, I gathered myself together and resolved to start going forward again. Told Brett I wouldn't be spending social time with her anymore. Told myself this absolutely meant no more fooling around, no matter how bad we both might want it. And resolved to be alone for a while, slowly work on expanding my social circle, have low expectations but make it work this time.

And then last Friday I met somebody. Well, sort of. She's somebody I know through Warcraft, so we've known each other at that level for a while now. And I thought she seemed like a good person, with a good sense of humor, but that was about it.

But Friday she sent me a sweet, complimentary e-mail, and then I gave her a link to this blog, in case she was ever curious. Which means, she may be reading this now. (Hi, you! I'm kinda talking about you in the third person - hope that's okay.) Well, she read some of this and wrote back a very nice, very sympathetic e-mail, and expressed an interest in getting to be better friends. And I replied that that sounded good to me.

More e-mails. We discover that we find each other attractive. The attraction grows, and the e-mails become more personal, more intimate. And my head is spinning. Nobody has ever said some of these things to me before. It is all very exciting, and very fun.

So, where do we stand, and where are we going? No clue. We've talked about it, and agreed that we both want to let whatever happens, happen. Geography is definitely an issue - we live about 1000 miles apart. She has reasons for not wanting to commit to a relationship right now, and I certainly still have issues I'm dealing with. The last thing I want to do is get ahead of myself and torpedo a good thing again. She's been very understanding and accepting of this, that I'm going through some huge life changes, and I'm really glad she is. So, for now, we're friends with a few twists. And a little kink. And we'll enjoy it, and find out where it leads us.

A Day With Surprises

Yesterday I was running late for work, and didn't stop to look for a belt. Within an hour though I realized that had been a mistake. The jeans I had on used to fit well, maybe even a little snug. But great googly moogly, without a belt they were loose, droopy, and dang near falling off. When did this happen? I mean I knew I'd lost some weight since moving out of the house, what with eating less sugary foods and climbing the stairs to my apartment 4 or 5 times a day, but damn. Time to do some shopping, I guess...

Second surprise was when I was driving down the highway to pick Taylor up from her acting class. Suddenly the battery warning light comes on, and at the same time the air conditioner dies and the power steering goes away. Oh, crap. Means I've lost the serpentine belt, and the car is running off of the battery. Also means I'm not going to make it all the way into Austin and back before the car goes completely dead. So I turn around and call Brett and explain the situation. I'm so glad she was able to drop what she was doing and go get the kid. I managed to limp home on what was probably the last few amps in the battery, and then spent most of today finding a place to service it and arranging for a tow. Damned inconvenient, but it could've been a whole lot worse.

Third surprise, and by far the nicest, was something a friend said in an e-mail to me. It was completely unexpected, and made me feel really good inside.

Progress, Maybe

Went over to the house last night for the first time since "breaking up" with Brett two weeks ago. Taylor needed to choose electives for 7th grade, and since there were some possible ramifications for what she'd have to take in high school, it kinda mattered.

So, there we were at the kitchen table, the three of us, sharing information and preferences. And at the end Taylor said "this is what I want to do" and she filled out the form and we both signed it. It was all okay and non-stressful, and after I said goodnight to Taylor, and Brett and I exchanged an affectionate hug, but no more than that, and I said goodbye and I left.

Being able to work with Brett as Taylor's parents is so important. I hope that last night is a sign that this will continue to work out as well as it has over the past six months. For everybody's sake.

And, at the same time, Brett and I were able to respect the line I drew between us. Hopefully, that will continue as well.

The Flip Side

Okay, so a few days ago I muttered about how I felt my raidiing guild was becoming more hardcore than I would like. At the same time, I am finding myself feeling more casual. I'm having a real time management problem, and I want to cut back on Warcraft in a way that doesn't leave me feeling ... deprived, for lack of a better word.

Currently, AC raids Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. My RL friends night is Thursday. Friday night I pick Taylor up from her acting class, and typically she's with me until 8 or so Saturday. (Although if she has social plans or something I sometimes take her home earlier - which is fine, but typically I don't know more than a day or so in advance.) Which leaves one night a week without anything regularly scheduled. And that's just not enough, I'm finding. Particularly since now that I'm on my own, I'm responsible for dinner and cleaning up every night, and the dog needs walking several times a day, twice in the evening.

So what to do? Time with Taylor isn't compromisable. Last week I cut back on raiding by not signing up Wednesday night, and I plan to continue with that. I'd rather not drop the RL friends night. I'd kinda like to cut back to raiding one night a week, but I'd have to check with the GMs about that - policy is you're supposed to be available two nights a week. 

If something is important, you take the steps to make it happen. Even if they aren't easy. I want to have a life that includes social time with other people, in the real world as well as the virtual. So, I got to make that happen. Which figuring out where to cut back.

Wanted To Reach Through The Internet And Smack'em

I really like my Thursday night Warcraft sessions with my long-time real-life friends. I do, I really do.

But the insistance of some that we all be on the same vent channel, even if we're doing two different things, can be annoying. Especially when five of us are in a dungeon and I'm trying to explain the next fight, but I can't because the two guys doing quests together won't stop talking for two minutes. "I got three, how many you got? I got five now. Where do we turn this quest in? Is it Here? No I thnink it's at that other place."

OMFG, STFU ALREADY.

Okay, done ranting. And I still love them. Just wish they took the game a little more seriously, and a little less like a cocktail party. Particularly when I know how bent out of shape those two particularly noses can get when things aren't to their convenience.

Grrr.

Really done ranting this time.

Warcraft, Guilds and Raiding

Last night my raiding guild, Aetherial Circle, killed Malygos, the last remaing 25-man boss in the game, until the next content patch. I hadn't signed up for the raid - after 5 weeks of raiding, I wanted a night off. I thought I would be disappointed if they did kill him, but it turned out I wasn't. Just didn't seem like that big a deal.

The guild doesn't feel the same as it did last spring and summer. A number of people have moved on or quit the game for various reasons, and a lot of those who have joined aren't as ... well ... fun. There's a lot less silly banter in gchat than there used to be. When we raid, sometimes it feels like I'm just there for the dps'ers to show off their e-peen. A big part of this is the changes in game mechanics that came with the new expansion, but I've also noticed that damage meter reports are being thrown up after a lot more fights. To many, this may feel like healthy competition, but to me it feels like they're in it for their egos, not the guild. And back when we were preparing to resume raiding, there was some debate on the guild forums about when to start, and several people expressed rather contemptuous attitudes towards those they perceived as holding up the show. I must say, I did not take kindly to being called a slacker, however indirectly, for not spending as many hours playing a video game as others.

It's not all bad, by any means. There are still many people in the guild I like, and who I have fun playing with. It just isn't feeling like home, these days.

This week, my Death Knight Vyp joined BBB's guild, Sidhe Devils. SD is not a raiding guild. Some of the members raid, and enjoy it, but Bear has very deliberately chosen to focus on making sure the guild is a relaxed, friendly place. Means they'll never probably never see Malygos on heroic setting, much less kill him on the second night, but like I said, that doesn't seem to matter to me the way it used to.

Not making any decisions, right now. I'm going to keep raiding with AC, at least two nights a week, and I'm going to play my DK, and get her to Northrend and try running some instances with SD. And oh yeah, I still got this orc warrior I like to play. So, I guess I'll see how things go, for now.

Feb 14

Just another date on the calendar, same as the other 364.

This Week's Learned Lessons

1. The time to buy candles is before the power goes out.

2. If the can says "Shake Well", it does not mean "Open first, then shake well".

3. A sofa hauled out and left next to the dumpster will violate my dog's sense of the universe.

4. It is not a good idea to buy popsicles if you won't be going home for another couple of hours.

Updates

Broke up with the wife. She took it hard. So did I.

Taylor got a major role in her acting class' new production. Which means a lot of extra rehearsals on Saturdays - 40 minute drive each way. But worth it.

Still haven't cleaned the apartment.

Why Is Everything Wet?

Doesn't rain much in Texas under normal conditions, and this past year has drier than usual. So Buffy still doesn't "get" rain. Our walk this morning went something like:

This is interesting

*shake*

This is still interesting

*shake*

Why am I so wet?

*shake*

Not sure I like this anymore

*shake*

*shake*

Can we *shake* go back *shake* now?

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

Well, I Can Say It To Myself

Question is, can I say this to Brett?

Our relationship is broken. This has been clear to me for quite some time. What wasn't clear was if it was still fixable, or if it would turn out to be permanent. If so, then I believe it would be best to accept this and move on, rather than tear ourselves apart, becoming increasingly bitter and resentful.

It's now been six months since I moved out. In that time, neither of us has taken any steps to address what is really broken in our relationship. I feel that this indicates that, regardless of what we may want or tell each other, we both feel inside that this is not reparable. I don't want to point fingers or cast blame on you or myself; I think it's just how things are.

At this point, I no longer wish to try to maintain the level of closeness that we have both been seeking the past few months. By this I mean lunch dates, dinner dates, me hanging out at the house to watch tv or do laundry or sleep or have sex. These things are all comforting and familiar, but they are not helping me any more. I have been feeling torn and stressed the past couple of weeks, as my heart and my brain tug me in opposite directions. So I have decided to bring it to a close, to make it easier to move on with my life. This is distressing to me, and I expect it will be to you as well, but I feel it is necessary.

This does not mean I wish to end all contact. Obviously we are both still Taylor's parents and act together for her benefit, and there may well be other items where need to interact. But contact just for the sake of familiarity, or to keep loneliness at bay, is not something I am okay with anymore.

Yeah, That's Pretty Much What I Learned In School

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of thatname.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

A compilation of excerpts taken From Richard Lederer's Anguished English

Reason vs Hope

I want want WANT that which I know isn't going to happen. Why is it so damn hard to let go of hope for a miracle that I know won't happen? It's never worked out. It never will. So why can't I just accept that it's all over and move on?

God damn it.

Buffy Pictures

Buffy, with the protagonist. Wow, the hair on top of my head is getting thin...

Kids and puppies. Is anything cuter?

The most comfortable place in the world is On Top of Dad's Clothes.

Things I have in My Apartment Now

1. Iron

2. Ironing board

3. Air purifiers (one per room)

4. Waffle iron (yay!)

Things I do not have in my apartment:

1. No-sugar-added fruit bar popsicles (CRISIS!)

2. Beer

3. Winning lottery ticket

3 Stages of Mouthwash

0 - 10 seconds: Aiyee this stuff burns

10 - 20 seconds: Ah, it's not that bad. I can handle it for 30 seconds.

20 - 30 seconds: It burns! It burns! Spititout spititout SPITITOUT!!!!

I Has Videos!

Spent some time editing the video I shot of the play Taylor was in recently. Here's a few highlights:

Taylor played Frankie Fixit, head of the school's maintenance department. Here she and her assistant Terry Toole are working to relieve the "built-up sound pressure" acting on the school's structure.

Next, here she is attempting to warn the principal that there could be real problems.

Meanwhile, Rabin Capture, the school's former student now big-time pop star, is coming to give a performance. Frankie is less than thrilled.

And then weird stuff happens, and several of the students develop superpowers, causing various problems. Here, Frankie and Terry give one of the girls a pep talk.

Ups and Downs, But Still As Confused As Ever

After my rant last week about the situation in my guild, a good friend suggested I let Fio the GM knowthat it was bothering me. No guarantee he could do anything, but either way it could help in the long run. So, I waited a day to make sure what I'd seen with the Naxx pug wasn't just a one-time thing, and then sent him an e-mail. Didn't bitch or whine, just expressed concern that the Naxx runs were sucking up the pool of guildies who could be doing heroics, and also that it still wasn't clear to me if I could raid as a tank, or if I'd have to switch roles (and gear) when we shifted from 10-man to 25-man raiding. And he was very responsive - told me he wasn't happy about the frequency of the Naxx pugging (by this point they'd already scheduled a fourth one for the week) and that he was gonna stop it. Which he did. He also told me I had a guaranteed position as a tank when we get to 25-man Naxx, so that was a relief. Yay for open communication.

Took Buffy to a meet-up for pug owners this weekend. Turned out to be a much bigger deal than I was expecting - probably 50 people and their dogs. Buffy had a blast, and I struck up a few conversations, but it's starting to sink in what a long, slow process getting to know people is going to be. No wonder people who know what they're talking about have told me that dating is hell.

The friendship I was worried about having damaged right before Christmas seems to have gotten through okay after all. At least, we're chatting again and doing a good job of pretending it didn't happen. This is a huge relief. If anything else needs to be sorted out, right now I'm happy to let it wait 'til later.

Relations with Brett have taken another turn. Not only does it look like we really are having sex more often than when we were living together (not hard to do), but the intensity and the passion and the fun when we do are all way, way up. Like, better than its been since maybe 15 years ago. And she told me she's interested in creating more opportunities for it. I gotta say, after so many years of feeling starved for affection, this feels very, very good. However, I need to be sure that we both know that this isn't a path to reconciliation. I mean, the lack of affection was a problem, but it certainly wasn't the only one. And if I did move back in, how long would this last, without any other changes to keep the daily stresses from overwhelming it? I don't want to lead her on. But I don't want to blow this by acting all rational and cynical and grim about it, if it really is just two consenting adults who know and trust each other enjoying the experiences. Geh.

Buffy Pics

Took a look at the photo card on my camera, and found a few pictures of Buffy that I felt like sharing.


About a day after we got her, so roughly six weeks old. She were just a little thing:

After breaking her leg. Fortunately, she only had to wear the cast a few days. Unfortunately she had to be retricted from running or jumping for two months.

She and Athena, Taylor's 2-year-old golden retriever, are great friends. I take her over to the house whenever I can. They rip and tear and then collapse in an exhausted heap.

Christmas day. After I moved out, Brett and Taylor got a couple of cats. This one, Chewy (Chuy? Choowey? However the kid spells it...) thinks he's a dog too.

Things I Remembered Today

1. The remote key for the car does not work on my apartment door.

2. The time to buy a toilet plunger for one's apartment is before it is needed.