Status Update

Things I Now Have:
1. A crock pot
2. A divorce petition, filed with the county court
3. Two pairs of pants that fit
4. A dog who tries to chase her tail, even though it is too short and her turn radius too large to ever catch it

Things I Do Not Have:
1. A video of my dog trying to chase her tail
2. Patio furniture
3. An agreement on how to divide everything with the STBX
4. An iPod

The Storyteller

Taylor played the Storyteller in her acting class's original production, The Story. Here's the video I shot of the opening song.

Ummm .... The Hey?

I would love to hear the explanation for this... uh... whatever it is.

Hope, and Empathy

Brett never understood that what kept me going for so long was that my hope that somehow, something would change. Get better. And it kept overwhelming my rational side, convincing me to stick around, stick it out. And now I don't love her, and that hope is gone, and I can see things clearly at last.

Yesterday, being around her at Taylor's performance, it was clear that she's hoping that, somehow, I'll come back. No rational reason for it - I left months ago, I told her I didn't want to come back, I told her I want a divorce. But it's still there. And it's going to get crushed into the ground by the weight of cold, hard reality over the next few months, just like my hopes were. It's not something I would want for anybody - I know exactly how painful it is, how badly it hurts. And yet I'm going to be the one pulling the levers, setting the wheels in motion.

It's the right thing to do. I know that, not just for me, but for her too. And I will press on with it. But knowing what she's going through, pain that I wouldn't wish on a stranger, let alone someone I shared my life with, is going to suck.

No matter that she did the same to me.

Divorce

So, made an appointment to meet with a divorce attorney tomorrow. Go over details, crunch some numbers, come up with a game plan. I need to propose something to Brett that is generous enough that that she can accept it, but not so generous that I end up supporting her as well as Taylor.

I want to be fair. I want to make sure Taylor is taken care of. But after spending most of her adult life being supported by me, and yet complaining that I didn't do enough, I'm not at all sure what Brett is going to consider "fair". If those goes to a fight, I have no doubt that I'll end up coming out ahead financially, but we'll all feel like we lost. And that would be the wost possible outcome.

Bleh. I just want this to be over.

I Has a Future

Okay, well, I haven't been putting up much about my personal life, because I've been enjoying it instead of struggling to make sense of it. Over the past six weeks or so, Julie and I have been growing closer and closer, more and more certain that we have found the right person, the one to spend the rest of our lives with. We've each had a chance to visit each other for a weekend, and she's coming to see me again for three days next week. It hasn't all been sunshine and puppies - long-distance relationships are hard, and when things get stressful (like, the when the "omg there's no way someone this wonderful could be in love with me - I must be making a fool of myself" fear hits) there's no way to just reach out and hold each other and be comforted. Instead, we have to rely on talking to each other. And we have gotten good at it, at talking, at communicating, letting the other know how much we love them. And it is wonderful.

It was only five days after we first started talking that we had this conversation. I'd been arguing with myself for two hours, trying to convince myself I couldn't possibly be feeling what I was feeling. That it just didn't make sense.

me: I think I am seriously falling for you. And - it's not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to spend months looking, going on dates with the wrong person again and again
and I don't understand what I did to deserve someone who just seems so right just appear out nowhere
the universe is something that always has played against me with loaded dice
being a nice decent guy has always meant that someone else gets the girl
and yet here you are
so loving and open and just so
so
so wonderful
Julie: see, now this is a response :)
Me: hush I gotta keep going
and you think I'm pretty special too
I just really can't believe this is happening - at some point I'm going to wake up and have to deal with the work of finding someone
just someone good enough
and yet here you are, and I'm thinking that, in spite of all my determination to go slow
to not get ahead of myself
to remember that I've only known you a few days
to remember that there's a risk of looking for any port in a storm
in spite of all that, and I've got a lot of willpower, don't underestimate it
in spite of all that
I'm crazy about you
I want to hop on a plane tonight and come see you
I want to wait patiently for three years, seeing you on weekends now and then, because I think you are worth waiting for
I think you are absolutely the most wonderful thing thing to happen to me in a long, long time
and even though this is a crazy, preposterous, reckless thing to say, I'm going to say it anyway
because it is true
I think I'm falling in love with you
Julie: ...can I talk now? :)
me: ok
I'm done
Julie: would ditto be a bad thing to say here?

Her three sons will be out of high school in a few years. She's promised them that she won't leave Florida until then, and I want to stay here to be close to Taylor. So, we're going to do the long-distance thing as best we can, visiting when we can, calling and e-mailing as often as possible. And when the time comes, and we can be together, it will be so wonderful. And, oh yeah, I'm gonna marry her.

Today's Lesson

Do Not buy a box of popsicles and then forget to take them out of the trunk of the car when you get home.

It were a catastrophe.

Update

Things I Do Not Yet Possess:

1. Bottle of banana rum
2. Divorce attorney
3. A clue what to submit to 20th year college reunion yearbook
   

Things I Do Possess:

1. 13x9 Cake pan
2. Roll of aluminum foil (kinda messed up from when I dropped it on the floor and it unrolled)
3. Reservations for a stateroom on a Carnival cruise ship for next December (with balcony!)
   

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So, So Happy

I can't believe it's only been a week.

I can't believe the universe decided to drop a sexy, intelligent, independent, caring, patient, wonderful woman who's crazy about me into my life at just the right moment.

The universe is slipping. If it was on its game, it would have dangled her in front of me when I was still trying to save my marriage, or put her in my path, only to have her fall for some tall handsome jerk instead.

Silly universe.

ZOMG My Mind Is Spinning

But, in a totally good way.

Last November, I was feeling all set to go out and start dating. Had no idea who or how to go about it, but darn it! I was ready to move on with my life. And then that all came crashing down in an unpleasant train wreck as parts of my brain rebelled, insisting that I stick with what was familiar and comfortable. "But she made us unhappy!" "Too bad! We hate risk and uncertainty and loneliness!" Not understanding what was going on in my head, I managed to make an ass of myself and damaged a friendship (it's mostly recovered since then, but there's still some tender scars).

Then I retreated back to Brett. Spent a lot of time at the house at Christmas, fell into bed with her several times, let myself believe she was serious when she talked about finding a new therapist and working on the issues that had driven us apart.

So, after a month or so of this, I gathered myself together and resolved to start going forward again. Told Brett I wouldn't be spending social time with her anymore. Told myself this absolutely meant no more fooling around, no matter how bad we both might want it. And resolved to be alone for a while, slowly work on expanding my social circle, have low expectations but make it work this time.

And then last Friday I met somebody. Well, sort of. She's somebody I know through Warcraft, so we've known each other at that level for a while now. And I thought she seemed like a good person, with a good sense of humor, but that was about it.

But Friday she sent me a sweet, complimentary e-mail, and then I gave her a link to this blog, in case she was ever curious. Which means, she may be reading this now. (Hi, you! I'm kinda talking about you in the third person - hope that's okay.) Well, she read some of this and wrote back a very nice, very sympathetic e-mail, and expressed an interest in getting to be better friends. And I replied that that sounded good to me.

More e-mails. We discover that we find each other attractive. The attraction grows, and the e-mails become more personal, more intimate. And my head is spinning. Nobody has ever said some of these things to me before. It is all very exciting, and very fun.

So, where do we stand, and where are we going? No clue. We've talked about it, and agreed that we both want to let whatever happens, happen. Geography is definitely an issue - we live about 1000 miles apart. She has reasons for not wanting to commit to a relationship right now, and I certainly still have issues I'm dealing with. The last thing I want to do is get ahead of myself and torpedo a good thing again. She's been very understanding and accepting of this, that I'm going through some huge life changes, and I'm really glad she is. So, for now, we're friends with a few twists. And a little kink. And we'll enjoy it, and find out where it leads us.

A Day With Surprises

Yesterday I was running late for work, and didn't stop to look for a belt. Within an hour though I realized that had been a mistake. The jeans I had on used to fit well, maybe even a little snug. But great googly moogly, without a belt they were loose, droopy, and dang near falling off. When did this happen? I mean I knew I'd lost some weight since moving out of the house, what with eating less sugary foods and climbing the stairs to my apartment 4 or 5 times a day, but damn. Time to do some shopping, I guess...

Second surprise was when I was driving down the highway to pick Taylor up from her acting class. Suddenly the battery warning light comes on, and at the same time the air conditioner dies and the power steering goes away. Oh, crap. Means I've lost the serpentine belt, and the car is running off of the battery. Also means I'm not going to make it all the way into Austin and back before the car goes completely dead. So I turn around and call Brett and explain the situation. I'm so glad she was able to drop what she was doing and go get the kid. I managed to limp home on what was probably the last few amps in the battery, and then spent most of today finding a place to service it and arranging for a tow. Damned inconvenient, but it could've been a whole lot worse.

Third surprise, and by far the nicest, was something a friend said in an e-mail to me. It was completely unexpected, and made me feel really good inside.

Progress, Maybe

Went over to the house last night for the first time since "breaking up" with Brett two weeks ago. Taylor needed to choose electives for 7th grade, and since there were some possible ramifications for what she'd have to take in high school, it kinda mattered.

So, there we were at the kitchen table, the three of us, sharing information and preferences. And at the end Taylor said "this is what I want to do" and she filled out the form and we both signed it. It was all okay and non-stressful, and after I said goodnight to Taylor, and Brett and I exchanged an affectionate hug, but no more than that, and I said goodbye and I left.

Being able to work with Brett as Taylor's parents is so important. I hope that last night is a sign that this will continue to work out as well as it has over the past six months. For everybody's sake.

And, at the same time, Brett and I were able to respect the line I drew between us. Hopefully, that will continue as well.

The Flip Side

Okay, so a few days ago I muttered about how I felt my raidiing guild was becoming more hardcore than I would like. At the same time, I am finding myself feeling more casual. I'm having a real time management problem, and I want to cut back on Warcraft in a way that doesn't leave me feeling ... deprived, for lack of a better word.

Currently, AC raids Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. My RL friends night is Thursday. Friday night I pick Taylor up from her acting class, and typically she's with me until 8 or so Saturday. (Although if she has social plans or something I sometimes take her home earlier - which is fine, but typically I don't know more than a day or so in advance.) Which leaves one night a week without anything regularly scheduled. And that's just not enough, I'm finding. Particularly since now that I'm on my own, I'm responsible for dinner and cleaning up every night, and the dog needs walking several times a day, twice in the evening.

So what to do? Time with Taylor isn't compromisable. Last week I cut back on raiding by not signing up Wednesday night, and I plan to continue with that. I'd rather not drop the RL friends night. I'd kinda like to cut back to raiding one night a week, but I'd have to check with the GMs about that - policy is you're supposed to be available two nights a week. 

If something is important, you take the steps to make it happen. Even if they aren't easy. I want to have a life that includes social time with other people, in the real world as well as the virtual. So, I got to make that happen. Which figuring out where to cut back.

Wanted To Reach Through The Internet And Smack'em

I really like my Thursday night Warcraft sessions with my long-time real-life friends. I do, I really do.

But the insistance of some that we all be on the same vent channel, even if we're doing two different things, can be annoying. Especially when five of us are in a dungeon and I'm trying to explain the next fight, but I can't because the two guys doing quests together won't stop talking for two minutes. "I got three, how many you got? I got five now. Where do we turn this quest in? Is it Here? No I thnink it's at that other place."

OMFG, STFU ALREADY.

Okay, done ranting. And I still love them. Just wish they took the game a little more seriously, and a little less like a cocktail party. Particularly when I know how bent out of shape those two particularly noses can get when things aren't to their convenience.

Grrr.

Really done ranting this time.

Warcraft, Guilds and Raiding

Last night my raiding guild, Aetherial Circle, killed Malygos, the last remaing 25-man boss in the game, until the next content patch. I hadn't signed up for the raid - after 5 weeks of raiding, I wanted a night off. I thought I would be disappointed if they did kill him, but it turned out I wasn't. Just didn't seem like that big a deal.

The guild doesn't feel the same as it did last spring and summer. A number of people have moved on or quit the game for various reasons, and a lot of those who have joined aren't as ... well ... fun. There's a lot less silly banter in gchat than there used to be. When we raid, sometimes it feels like I'm just there for the dps'ers to show off their e-peen. A big part of this is the changes in game mechanics that came with the new expansion, but I've also noticed that damage meter reports are being thrown up after a lot more fights. To many, this may feel like healthy competition, but to me it feels like they're in it for their egos, not the guild. And back when we were preparing to resume raiding, there was some debate on the guild forums about when to start, and several people expressed rather contemptuous attitudes towards those they perceived as holding up the show. I must say, I did not take kindly to being called a slacker, however indirectly, for not spending as many hours playing a video game as others.

It's not all bad, by any means. There are still many people in the guild I like, and who I have fun playing with. It just isn't feeling like home, these days.

This week, my Death Knight Vyp joined BBB's guild, Sidhe Devils. SD is not a raiding guild. Some of the members raid, and enjoy it, but Bear has very deliberately chosen to focus on making sure the guild is a relaxed, friendly place. Means they'll never probably never see Malygos on heroic setting, much less kill him on the second night, but like I said, that doesn't seem to matter to me the way it used to.

Not making any decisions, right now. I'm going to keep raiding with AC, at least two nights a week, and I'm going to play my DK, and get her to Northrend and try running some instances with SD. And oh yeah, I still got this orc warrior I like to play. So, I guess I'll see how things go, for now.

Feb 14

Just another date on the calendar, same as the other 364.

This Week's Learned Lessons

1. The time to buy candles is before the power goes out.

2. If the can says "Shake Well", it does not mean "Open first, then shake well".

3. A sofa hauled out and left next to the dumpster will violate my dog's sense of the universe.

4. It is not a good idea to buy popsicles if you won't be going home for another couple of hours.

Updates

Broke up with the wife. She took it hard. So did I.

Taylor got a major role in her acting class' new production. Which means a lot of extra rehearsals on Saturdays - 40 minute drive each way. But worth it.

Still haven't cleaned the apartment.

Why Is Everything Wet?

Doesn't rain much in Texas under normal conditions, and this past year has drier than usual. So Buffy still doesn't "get" rain. Our walk this morning went something like:

This is interesting

*shake*

This is still interesting

*shake*

Why am I so wet?

*shake*

Not sure I like this anymore

*shake*

*shake*

Can we *shake* go back *shake* now?

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*

*shake*