Really Bad Language

Julie is a connoisseur of bad words. Not only are "Jesus Fucking Christ!", "Holy shit!", "Move your ass, motherfucker!" some of her most commonly uttered phrases, she also knows what are apparently some really horrible curses in Tagalog, Hindi, and Nihongo. She likes to test these out on native speakers, to make sure she is saying them right.

This shit is really important to her.

So, what ghastly expletive did she utter last night, when she stepped on a piece of glass and drove it half an inch into the sole of her foot? Did it make the paint peel off the walls in seven different languages? Did it make the angels weep, and the demons cower in the corner? Did it shift the earth on its axis and permanently alter the numeric value of the gravitational constant? Or was it simply the relatively mild "Ow! Mother of God."

Today, poor Julie is hanging her head in shame. For years she has been preparing for just such a moment, only to allow it to slip past her.

Toothbrush Wars

Julie: Did you just brush your teeth with my toothbrush?

Me: No, I think I used mine...

Julie: You did! You filthy dirty bitch!

Me (checking the bristles on my toothbrush and finding them freshly wet): No, see, I used mine.

Julie: Oh, okay.

Me: Did you just call me a filthy dirty bitch? For something I didn't do?

Julie: Yeah. You like?

Me: Of course not.

Julie: Yes you do.

Conversation After I Returned From The Store With Half the Groceries Wrong

Julie: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Julie: Even if you has a dingleberry.

On The Morning Of Our Anniversary

Julie: "Are you still taking me out for dinner tonight?"
Me: "Yes. Anywhere you want to go."
Julie: "Louisianna."

Ha, I say! Ha!

So, Julie's been catching me every now and then with the showerhead: turning it to point out into the room, instead of down, so I get good and sprayed when I turn the water on. But yesterday she went to take a shower, and as she turned the knob her thought process went something like:

"Michael already took a shower this morning right? Or was he going to go to the gym? Oh, I think maybe he did go to the gym, so he didn't take a shower, which means the showerhead is still OH SHEEEEEEEEIT!"

I has an amused.

Lemony Fresh

Julie: How much do you love me?

Me: Enough to put up with you and your craziness.

J: Put up with me? PUT UP with me??? I cannot believe you said that.

M: Well, I did.

J: That is so rude.

M: Aiyeeeee! Whathell you just pour on me?

J: I don't understand. What do you mean?

M: You just poured something on my head. The heck is this?

J: Oh, you mean this?

M: You poured a packet of lemonade mix on me? Yuck! That's all ... icky!

J: But.... it's only five calories.

So, What's Been Going On The Past Few Months?

Life's been going pretty good the past few months. Financially, as the consequences of my divorce are easing and Julie's continuing recovery from the cancer treatments makes it easier for her to work, plus a nice gift from my parents, we're doing a lot better than we have in several years. More money coming in than going out is a damn nice place to be. Nice enough that we felt comfortable borrowing some money and getting a little something for Julie:

Not quite as fast as it looks, but it is a nice piece of machinery. And it means I don't have to drive us everywhere in my car.

Our cable company finally made HBO Go available to us. Similar to NetFlix's streaming service, it's a really spiffy system, if you already have HBO. In addition to having access to more movies than HBO On-Demand, it also let's you access all episodes of every series HBO has ever run. I've watched Luck and Rome, and Julie's been watching Big Love. Works nicely on our PCs, iPads, and iPhones. Very nifty.

Julie's just about finished her bachelor's degree. It probably won't benefit her career directly, but it does allow her to pursue more advanced degrees, which she couldn't do with just a two-year degree. Yesterday, she got an acceptance letter to the University of South Alabama's critical care nurse practitioner program. So, in a few years, she'll be able to get a job where she's the one who can prescribe medicine, order treatment, and tell someone else to clean up after the crazy patient who just pooped all over the floor. So that's a yay. Meanwhile, she's going to take additional classes at the local community college so that she can apply to either medical school or pharmacy school later. Or maybe go for a nurse anesthetist degree. As my mom told her, when she gets a fire lit under her, she really gets a fire lit. And I am so very proud of her.

Me, I'm just doing my job. I've transferred back to my old department, after a three-year stint in programming that didn't work out. I learned some good stuff, but the project they assigned me to was a really bad idea, and it just kept growing, instead of ending. Feels really good to be out from under it.

And because some things never change, I went to take a shower the other night, and she'd set a trap for me. The shower head was pointing out into the room, instead of down. I got wet, my towel got wet, the dog got wet. We both yelped (the towel remained silent). Yup, that's my baby.

Siri's Not As Smart As She Thinks She Is

Julie: Siri, tell my husband where I am.

Siri: Here is your message for Michael: "Where I am." Would you like me to send it?

Here Is A Gorilla

Because gorillas are awesome.

via NatGeo

Julie's Philosophy Of Homework

College student on TV sitcom: "Ever since I was a little girl I've had this problem with procrastination."

Julie: "That's not a problem, bitch, THAT'S A SKILL!!! And I has it many!"

Darth Hippie's Personal Transport

"I find your lack of faith is bummin' me out, man. You dig?"

Very Important Numbers

Many muches.

All of it.

257.

One million hundred.

Does you need me to kill you? You will like.*




*Okay, this one isn't really a number. But it's still important.

I think I've Found My New Favorite Restaurant

With. Always with jelly beans.

Living The Life Unexpected

I work days and Julie works nights, so we sometimes only get a few minutes together in a 24-hour period. Not fun, but you make the most of the time you do have. The other day I got home at the usual time, and Julie was taking a shower before going to work at the usual time. So I stand in bathroom doorway and we talk about nothing of any particular importance.

And then she took the showerhead down (it's one of those with a flexible hose), pulled back the curtain, and sprayed me! With absolutely no provocation or justification!

There were some obscenities. Some name calling. And a lot of hysterical laughing.

My parents observed when they came down to visit a month ago how I've come alive again, after years of slowly dying inside. It's because I get to spend my life laughing again, instead of just surviving.

And then of course we had to have the "I don't want to go to work" conversation. It's pretty routine, but she always finds a way to keep it fresh.

"I don't wanna go to work. I gonna quit my job."

"You're gonna do it, huh?"

"Yeah. You think there's a lot of demand for big overweight prostitiutes with double masectomies?"

"WHAT? Oh, hell no. Even if I thought there was, do you think I would tell you that there was?"

"Don't be such a big baby. You're not getting any tonight, but someone might as well."

One never knows what will come out of Julie's mouth. And I love it.

Apparently I Lack Credibility

"I think I gotta kill you dead."
"You gotta do that, huh?"
"Yah, I does. You bring me the knife."
"All right, but give me a minute to prepare myself."
"You're so full of it. You ain't gonna bring me that knife."

10 Things A Corporation Could Do If It Was Really A Person

It has become fashionable in some certain sectors of our society to argue that corporations, because they are made up of people, actually are people, with First Amendment rights. Not that corporations are particularly interested in, say, having to worship whichever religion they believe in, but they are interested in spending money to get certain politicians elected. Lots of money. Millions upon millions of dollars, because the right politicians can pass laws that result in far more money flowing into the corporations' coffers. GE earned $14.2 billion in 2010, yet owed zero in taxes. All completely legal.

Mitt Romney, who will probably become the Republican nominee this year by virtue of being able to blast his rivals into oblivion with corporation-paid-for commercials, is a strong advocate for the "corporations are people" argument. But there's more to being a person than contributing to a political campaign. Below is a short list of life experiences that most of us have done at least some of, yet no corporation ever has. Some of us may even most of these. (If you've done all them, though, for gods' sake take a break and lie down for a while.)

Work at McDonalds for minimum wage.

Participate in a wet t-shirt contest during spring break.

Lose its virginity.

Wander around the house trying to remember where it left its keys.

Go on "Dancing With The Stars".

Have its entire body scanned through its clothes by the TSA.

Throw up after drinking too much tequila.

Join the Army and have to do what the drill sergeant tells it to do.

Clean up the accident the puppy had on the living room carpet.

Be executed in Texas.


Seriously, when Tom Bergeron announces, "Tonight, ExxonMobil will be dancing the foxtrot with Maksim Chmerkovskiy", then maybe I'll believe corporations are people. Not before.

I'd Want To Know, Too

via