10 Things A Corporation Could Do If It Was Really A Person

It has become fashionable in some certain sectors of our society to argue that corporations, because they are made up of people, actually are people, with First Amendment rights. Not that corporations are particularly interested in, say, having to worship whichever religion they believe in, but they are interested in spending money to get certain politicians elected. Lots of money. Millions upon millions of dollars, because the right politicians can pass laws that result in far more money flowing into the corporations' coffers. GE earned $14.2 billion in 2010, yet owed zero in taxes. All completely legal.

Mitt Romney, who will probably become the Republican nominee this year by virtue of being able to blast his rivals into oblivion with corporation-paid-for commercials, is a strong advocate for the "corporations are people" argument. But there's more to being a person than contributing to a political campaign. Below is a short list of life experiences that most of us have done at least some of, yet no corporation ever has. Some of us may even most of these. (If you've done all them, though, for gods' sake take a break and lie down for a while.)

Work at McDonalds for minimum wage.

Participate in a wet t-shirt contest during spring break.

Lose its virginity.

Wander around the house trying to remember where it left its keys.

Go on "Dancing With The Stars".

Have its entire body scanned through its clothes by the TSA.

Throw up after drinking too much tequila.

Join the Army and have to do what the drill sergeant tells it to do.

Clean up the accident the puppy had on the living room carpet.

Be executed in Texas.


Seriously, when Tom Bergeron announces, "Tonight, ExxonMobil will be dancing the foxtrot with Maksim Chmerkovskiy", then maybe I'll believe corporations are people. Not before.