So Tired

Kinnavieve is about one heroic run away from being geared well enough to tank Naxx. Now, whoever is responsible for healing her is going to have to work at it - she won't be shrugging off hits from bosses. But a couple pieces of rep gear, a session with an enchanter, and she'll be good enough. Problem is, if she stays in Aetherial Circle, I don't think she'll ever get the chance.

Putting together heroic runs is not something I'm good at, but I came home tonight determined to make one happen. Except a few minutes after I logged on, it was announced there was going to be a guild-wide Naxx pug. Everyone who wanted to go should sign on, and then they'd pick who got to go - a mix of experienced people and rooks. So I signed up. What they hey. Not like anyone was going to commit to a heroic with Naxx being dangled. And when they got their raid together, there was a healthy mix. For the dps, and the healers.

But the tanks? Mili and Celli. Uber geared. Uber experienced. Mili, fine. He was organizing it, he should pick himself. But he made it clear he was waiting for Celli to log on before going. Nobody asked abou my stats (and since I logged out in dps gear, I know no one made an evaluation based on the armory stats). It was just tanks without epics need not apply. And with ten people in Naxx, there weren't enough people left for a heroic. So no gearing up for Kinna either.

I'm sick of being behind the wave. People on the wave get to go on the good runs, whenever they want, people behind the wave have to make do with scraps. Sure, I could find pugs for the instances, but if all I have to look forward to is pugs, then why bother? That was why I made my AC toon my main in the first place, so I wouldn't have to feel alone. But now, I'm tired. Tired of feeling behind, on the outside, on my own. It's no fun, and that's the whole point of playing a game.

EDIT: Okay, so that was kinda QQish. Watching the oxygen get sucked out of the pool of people who can do heroics was pretty frustrating though. Hopefully that won't be a regular event - killing 1 boss a night in Naxx-10 isn't going to gear people up very fast, whoever you take.

Got Kinna's fishing to 300 this morning. As a special bonus, she got the weather-beaten fishing hat from the daily. Woot!

Leonid Brezhnev Woulda Killed For My Eyebrows

Assuming, that is, he felt his were insufficiently long and thick and inhumanly scary.

Women Would Kill For My Eyelashes

Long, thick, full-bodied, and A REAL FREAKING PAIN when you're eyes are dry and itchy and you just want to get some eyedrops in.

Grrrr.

Survived Another One

Me and Christmas, we don't get along too good. Goes back to when I was a teenager. As I grew up, it became less and less about feeling close to your loved ones for a day, and more about an orgy of materialism. Had a lot to do with our rising standard of living, and the winter mortality rate no longer running at 20-30%, I suppose. Whichever, Christmas became a day of deadlines and obligations and keeping score. Did you get a nice enough present for your mother? You don't want your grandparents to think you don't care, do you? God, I hated that. One year, we all agreed in mid-October that we would have a moratorium - no presents this year. Just be close as a family. Dec 24 rolls around, and everyone pulls out a stack of wrapped presents. Jeez, Michael, you took that seriously? Why? Well, you should apologize for that.

It's been a number of years, and I've made a lot of progress recovering from childhood issues and guilts, but this one still haunts me. There is much a love about the idea of Christmas, but much I hate about the reality.

A heavy North wind blew in last Sunday, bringing a shitload of cedar pollen along with it. My allergies are still running at full speed. Makes it hard to sleep at night, not being able to breathe. Then I got bit by some bugs on both my legs; fire ants, maybe. Wouldn't be so bad normally, but with the immune system in overdrive everything swelled and itched like crazy.

A few days ago, I was clumsy and careless and stupid, and as a result I caused a friend real distress. I feel terrible about having done this. I may have damaged our friendship - how badly I don't know yet - and I feel worse about this.

I began feeling real anger toward Brett this week, for the first time since moving out of the house. Kübler-Ross, stages of grief, all that. Healthy, normal part of dealing with loss. But this is Christmas, and I had promised to spend the Eve and the day with Brett and Taylor. So I chose to bury the anger, rather than let it hit everyone in the face. Doable. God knows I've had a lot of practice burying anger.

There is much I enjoy about Christmas. I like wrapping presents. I like baking pumpkin pies. I like The Grinch, and Ebeneezer Scrooge realizing he's alive, and eggnog. But I'm really glad this one is over.

I Get Feedback!

Conversation I had yesterday regarding this post:

Friend: so...
Me: hmm?
Friend: if I am reading your personal blog correctly...
Me: rut roh
Friend: as a married couple it would be months for sex?
Me: well, that's how it was turning out for us
Me: like 4 or 5 times a year
Friend: Oo
Friend: oO
Friend: OMFG. You were like room mates.
Me: that sounds a little low to you?
Friend: ...
Friend: low
Friend: I think I would kill myself.

So, I guess I'm not the only one thinking things were out of balance. Moot at this point, but still reassuring.

So, You Just Wish I Could Have Been Happy With You

Well, I wish a few things too.

I wish you had taken me seriously when I said I was getting close to the end of my rope.

I wish you hadn't insisted I was wrong when I said our home life was depressing me.

I wish you had been willing to come up with some kind of schedule for your farmwork, so the rest of us could know when to expect you and when not to.

I wish you hadn't insisted that we never throw anything out, ever.

I wish you had given me as much notice as you did your cows.

I wish you hadn't said that I would have to just learn to accept situations, because I didn't have any choice.

I wish you hadn't picked the wives of rich doctors, who spent their days being social and helping out with charitable events, as your role models.

I wish you had been willing to work with me when I said I wanted less complexity in our lives.

I wish you cared enough to give me a real reason to consider coming back.

Sometimes I Talk Too Much

I also think too much. Which is why I'm getting rid of what I'd originally wriiten here. Things'll be okay.

Friends

Been kinda of a roller-coastery week. At points, I felt happy to the point of giddy over some new experiences. At other times, I felt pretty damn low. But I've had friends to share both with, friends who made it clear they cared. A year ago, this wasn't the case.

Thanks, guys. Y'all are the best.

Somber

February will mark the six months since I moved out of the house. Tonight, Brett asked me where I wanted us to be at the point. And I had to tell her, that I felt that it would be bring our current state of limbo to a close. Either she needed to be seeing a therapist and dealing with her issues, or we needed to be seeing a couples therapist again, and make real progress toward reconciliation (which I believe is a long shot) or it would be time to begin making our separation official, and file for divorce.

God it hurt to say that. The words themselves hurt, and knowing that I was hurting her made it even worse. 

There's been so much pain these recent years. I don't want to be responsible for creating even more. But to not be honest, to pretend things can somehow magically get better on their own, would be so much worse. I need to be strong, somehow. To keep following the course I need  to in order to survive. And hopefully manage to not create any more pain along the way than is necessary.

I Think My Perspective Is Skewed

Apparently, there's a survey that apparently is being talked about in shock and dismay. Here's the NY Times' take on it. Apparently 46% of women and 30% of men said they'd rather go without sex for two weeks than go without the internet for two weeks. Um... so?

I think it's pretty normal for Brett and I to have different thoughts on how often we wanted to have sex. She was okay with how things were, I would have liked a somewhat higher frequency. As I understand it, that's true for most married couples. What was always hard to know was, was she reasonable? Was I? How often is enough? Was I (as she maintained) ridiculously oversexed?

So, here's my response to that survey. Asking me which I'd give up for two weeks, something that's a regular part of my daily life or something I didn't have anyway? Pfft. No brainer. Shoot, you could bump it up to two months without sex or the internet, and it'd still be an obvious choice.

Obviously, everyone's lives and circumstances are different, and with something as complicated as sex, I think it's impossible to say what's normal and what isn't. But I kinda get the sense from these survey results that I'm not the only one who'd think that sex every few months is kinda on the low side.

So, I'm A Bit Of A Doofus

But Hydra says I'm a cute doofus, so I'm okay with that.

Here Fishy Fishy!

My paladin character, Kinnavieve, only needs one more day to reach exalted with the Tuskarrs, at which point they will sell her an epic fishing pole. Not only does it give a big bonus to fishing skill, but it allows you to breathe underwater. Cool stuff.

Problem is, you need a minimum fishing skill level to use this pole, and as of yesterday Kinna had no skill. None. Zip. Never talked to the trainer, never bought a cheap generic pole, never caught a fish. And we're talking hours of fishing to reach the minimum starting from scratch.

So last night, Kinna and I settled in and started fishing. Fish fish fish. Caught over 500 of the slippery buggers (there's an Achievement for this, and the game announces it to your whole guild) and got about halfway to the required skill level. And it would have been boring as hell, except it wasn't.

A friend of mine got on Vent with me and we spent the evening talking. Some of it was about Warcraft, of course, but we also talked about jobs and childhoods and relationships and various other stuff that makes life what it is. It was good, getting to know someone better, and it made the evening really enjoyable. A real nice change from the "gotta level gotta level GOTTA LEVEL" treadmill Kinnavieve and I have been on the past couple months.

Full of Win

Cats aren't my favorite pets, but they can be fun to watch at times. Enjoy.

Freddie Fixit

Just got back from opening night of "Just As You Are", a performance by the children's theater group Taylor joined this year. She was awesome. She played Freddie Fixit, head of the maintenance department, and was the comedic relief for the show. Not only was her delivary and timing spot-on, but she also cracked the audience up several times with her expressions and body language when she wasn't center stage. Plus, at one point when another girl forgot her line, Taylor stepped up and said "I believe I have often heard you say, 'blah blah blah.'" Best of all, she was clearly having a lot of fun up on the stage.

I's a very proud dad. :)