But, in a totally good way.
Last November, I was feeling all set to go out and start dating. Had no idea who or how to go about it, but darn it! I was ready to move on with my life. And then that all came crashing down in an unpleasant train wreck as parts of my brain rebelled, insisting that I stick with what was familiar and comfortable. "But she made us unhappy!" "Too bad! We hate risk and uncertainty and loneliness!" Not understanding what was going on in my head, I managed to make an ass of myself and damaged a friendship (it's mostly recovered since then, but there's still some tender scars).
Then I retreated back to Brett. Spent a lot of time at the house at Christmas, fell into bed with her several times, let myself believe she was serious when she talked about finding a new therapist and working on the issues that had driven us apart.
So, after a month or so of this, I gathered myself together and resolved to start going forward again. Told Brett I wouldn't be spending social time with her anymore. Told myself this absolutely meant no more fooling around, no matter how bad we both might want it. And resolved to be alone for a while, slowly work on expanding my social circle, have low expectations but make it work this time.
And then last Friday I met somebody. Well, sort of. She's somebody I know through Warcraft, so we've known each other at that level for a while now. And I thought she seemed like a good person, with a good sense of humor, but that was about it.
But Friday she sent me a sweet, complimentary e-mail, and then I gave her a link to this blog, in case she was ever curious. Which means, she may be reading this now. (Hi, you! I'm kinda talking about you in the third person - hope that's okay.) Well, she read some of this and wrote back a very nice, very sympathetic e-mail, and expressed an interest in getting to be better friends. And I replied that that sounded good to me.
More e-mails. We discover that we find each other attractive. The attraction grows, and the e-mails become more personal, more intimate. And my head is spinning. Nobody has ever said some of these things to me before. It is all very exciting, and very fun.
So, where do we stand, and where are we going? No clue. We've talked about it, and agreed that we both want to let whatever happens, happen. Geography is definitely an issue - we live about 1000 miles apart. She has reasons for not wanting to commit to a relationship right now, and I certainly still have issues I'm dealing with. The last thing I want to do is get ahead of myself and torpedo a good thing again. She's been very understanding and accepting of this, that I'm going through some huge life changes, and I'm really glad she is. So, for now, we're friends with a few twists. And a little kink. And we'll enjoy it, and find out where it leads us.
