Monday, November 02, 2009
Time For Something More Light-Hearted
Past time, in fact. So here's some pics of Taylor's Halloween costume. She decided she wanted to be an Ent, and designed and assembled her costume in the space of a few hours Saturday.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Luckiest Man In The World
The results of Julie's biopsy are, to put it simply, grim. She has a fast-growing, very likely to metastasize, cancer. There doing more tests now, to find out what the full picture is, but if indeed it has already spread then the odds of her surviving five years are not great. It would be so easy to curse the universe for teasing me, for dropping this woman who is perfect for me in my lap, only to threaten to take her away again. But that's not how I feel. I'm scared, I'm worried, but I also know that I have a wonderful, smart, funny, sexy woman to share my life with. A woman who thinks I am wonderful, and is happy to show me that she does. And, no matter what happens, no matter if our time together will be years or decades or only a few months, I still feel I am the luckiest man in the world.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It's Not Right
Julie and I both feel we've been waiting our whole lives to find each other. All the bad marriages, bad relationships, missteps, miscues, have taught us so much about who we are, and about what we want. Had we met twenty years ago, neither of us would have been the least attracted to each other. But now we know that we belong together, that we can be happy together. And everything is going to be as it should, finally.
This morning, Julie found out she has breast cancer. We don't know yet how bad it is, what the prognosis will be. But even best case, it won't be good. Physical pain and misery, financial stress, worry. And it very well may not be best case. The thought that I could lose the woman I belong with, now that I've finally found her, is terrifying. But I know Julie needs me to be strong for her, to help her, to be with her, because as bad as is this for me, it's much worse for her. I don't know how I'm going to do this, I just know I have to.
This just isn't right.
Update: Talked to a good friend whose mom is currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer. It helped a lot. I feel a lot less panicky now. No matter what, I am so, so glad Julie won't have to be alone.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I'm A What?
Julie is a registered nurse, and works the night shift at a hospital Intensive Care Unit, which means 7pm to 7am, or 6 to 6, my time. She often calls me while she's driving home, before I go to work, so we can chat a bit. It's a really nice way to start the day, but this morning's conversation took a rather unexpected turn.
Me (feeling all lovey-dovey): You're my best Julie.
You're my smartest Julie.
You're my funniest Julie.
Julie: You're an asshole.
Me: ...
Julie: Oh, I just realized how that sounded. I was talking to the guy doing 20 mph in front of me, not to you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
This is So Freakin' Cool
A random story generator!
My latest story: "The Neuronauts"
In a dystopian medieval Europe, a young student of metaphysics stumbles across an enchanted sword which spurs him into conflict with his own insecurity vis-à-vis girls, with the help of a shape-shifting female assassin and her closet full of assault rifles, culminating in authorial preaching through the mouths of the characters.
My latest story: "The Neuronauts"
In a dystopian medieval Europe, a young student of metaphysics stumbles across an enchanted sword which spurs him into conflict with his own insecurity vis-à-vis girls, with the help of a shape-shifting female assassin and her closet full of assault rifles, culminating in authorial preaching through the mouths of the characters.
Wow, this'll save lots of time.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Life update
Things I now have:
1) A non-stick frying pan
2) A plastic spatula for my non-stick frying pan
3) Grunty!
4) Table and chairs
5) Small dog's mouth-sized holes in my sofa cushions
Things I do not yet have:
1) iPhone
2) Book 5 in the Song of Ice and Fire series
3) Food processor
4) A positive cash flow
5) Peanut butter
1) A non-stick frying pan
2) A plastic spatula for my non-stick frying pan
3) Grunty!
4) Table and chairs
5) Small dog's mouth-sized holes in my sofa cushions
Things I do not yet have:
1) iPhone
2) Book 5 in the Song of Ice and Fire series
3) Food processor
4) A positive cash flow
5) Peanut butter
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
World of Warcraft Update
If you don't play World of Warcraft, feel free to not read this one. It probably won't make any sense.
Julie and I just got back from BlizzCon. I thought it was okay but not great. My favorite part was getting to meet friends whom I'd only known through the internet before, like TJ and Hydra. My least favorite part was how dark it was in the convention. I guess they were trying to set a gaming atmosphere, and it may have worked for a lot of folks, but I don't see well in the dark without my glasses, and I hadn't brought them because I wasn't planning to do much driving. So mostly I was squinting a lot and fumbling around, and it's hard to relax and enjoy under those conditions. Ah well.
Ratshag's little Horde guild has come a long way in the past 10 months. We've started doing heroics, and people are talking about wanting to recruit a bit so we can do some 10-man raids. There's been a bit of burn-out and ennui, but nothing like what we were undergoing at this point in Burning Crusade. I'd like to think my leadership and formulating long-term plans had something to do with that. It strokes my ego, doncha know?
On the Alliance side, I have two level 80s, both in BBB's Sidhe Devils guild. Vyp the death knight is now geared up to where she can do respectable dps in a Naxx raid, and I've brought Kinnavieve the tankadin over from her old guild. There are times I miss Aetherial Circle, but then I remind myself that I was missing it even when I was still there. Guilds are dynamic, living entities, with people joining and leaving all the time for many reasons, and AC had become a more hard-core, less silly place as a result. SD is a much more relaxed place, with no pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and at this point in my life that's exactly what I need. And it seems to be working out for Julie as well (hooray!). I had been reluctant to ask her to transfer her characters over, because I wasn't sure she'd be okay in such a laid-back place, but she's adjusted to it.
Hoping to get several more characters to 80 before the expansion hits next year. Got Ratdorf the priest at 71, Kalishna the death knugget at 60, Orctacles at 44, Alayda the shaman at 35, and Danger Mouse the rogue at 33. Should be no problem to get them all there, right?
Julie and I just got back from BlizzCon. I thought it was okay but not great. My favorite part was getting to meet friends whom I'd only known through the internet before, like TJ and Hydra. My least favorite part was how dark it was in the convention. I guess they were trying to set a gaming atmosphere, and it may have worked for a lot of folks, but I don't see well in the dark without my glasses, and I hadn't brought them because I wasn't planning to do much driving. So mostly I was squinting a lot and fumbling around, and it's hard to relax and enjoy under those conditions. Ah well.
Ratshag's little Horde guild has come a long way in the past 10 months. We've started doing heroics, and people are talking about wanting to recruit a bit so we can do some 10-man raids. There's been a bit of burn-out and ennui, but nothing like what we were undergoing at this point in Burning Crusade. I'd like to think my leadership and formulating long-term plans had something to do with that. It strokes my ego, doncha know?
On the Alliance side, I have two level 80s, both in BBB's Sidhe Devils guild. Vyp the death knight is now geared up to where she can do respectable dps in a Naxx raid, and I've brought Kinnavieve the tankadin over from her old guild. There are times I miss Aetherial Circle, but then I remind myself that I was missing it even when I was still there. Guilds are dynamic, living entities, with people joining and leaving all the time for many reasons, and AC had become a more hard-core, less silly place as a result. SD is a much more relaxed place, with no pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and at this point in my life that's exactly what I need. And it seems to be working out for Julie as well (hooray!). I had been reluctant to ask her to transfer her characters over, because I wasn't sure she'd be okay in such a laid-back place, but she's adjusted to it.
Hoping to get several more characters to 80 before the expansion hits next year. Got Ratdorf the priest at 71, Kalishna the death knugget at 60, Orctacles at 44, Alayda the shaman at 35, and Danger Mouse the rogue at 33. Should be no problem to get them all there, right?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
One Year Anniversary
It's been a year since I moved out of the house. At the time I was hoping it was a temporary thing, that a little space would lower the stress levels enough that Brett and I could figure out how to love each other again, how to live together again. What I found was I didn't want to go back, that I was much happier not trying to share my life with her. For a while, I was conflicted, grasping at small glimmers of hope for reconciliation as if they were life preservers, only to have reality crush those hopes into the mud. Or drown them, I guess would fit better with the metaphor. I finally screwed up my courage and told her I was done trying to make it work, done trying to keep the love alive. It was clear to me that, for both of us, it was quite dead.
It's been five months since I told Brett I wanted a divorce. Naively, I thought that if I proposed terms which were much more favorable to her than what the law requires that she would see that it was a good deal, and accept before I came to my senses and changed my mind. The law in Texas is you split everything 50-50, assets and liabilities, and pay spousal support temporarily if one spouse needs some time to get their shit together and find a job. Instead, I basically proposed that she get all the cash and I get all the debt, plus I'd pay $1700 a month for nine months after the divorce, plus I'd pay for the house (which she would live in) until Taylor goes to college in six years, at which point we'd sell it and split the proceeds.
She weren't having that. It was like a sitcom episode, where the guy tries to tell his girlfriend he wants to break up, only to have her say "Yeah, that doesn't work for me. So where are we going for dinner tonight?" Brett has refused to agree to anything without talking to a lawyer first. Fine. But she hasn't bothered to talk to a lawyer. She's pretty much stopped talking about it at all. I want to be a good guy. I want to give her a chance to come to terms with this, and to find a way to decouple our financial lives in a way that allows her to stand on her feet. But she doesn't have the right to make me put my life on hold forever, and after five months enough is enough.
Before a judge will hear my petition for a divorce, we have to try mediation, with a professional mediator. I welcome this. I want an agreement with Brett, not something handed down by a judge after two lawyers have tossed hand grenades around the room. I called Brett today, and told her that this would be coming, that my lawyer would let her know when a date was set. I told her that I would be open to discussing any changes or wholesale alterations to my proposal. That I was definitely not going into this with a "not one penny more" attitude. That I wanted to give her time to think it through and figure out what would work for (quietly leaving out that she's had months already). Her response? "Thank you for the heads up."
Will she show up to the mediation session? Will she say anything? Will she use it as an opportunity to try to lash out, or look helpless? Or will we actually be able to reach an agreement so that we both can move on with our lives?
I guess I'll find out.
It's been five months since I told Brett I wanted a divorce. Naively, I thought that if I proposed terms which were much more favorable to her than what the law requires that she would see that it was a good deal, and accept before I came to my senses and changed my mind. The law in Texas is you split everything 50-50, assets and liabilities, and pay spousal support temporarily if one spouse needs some time to get their shit together and find a job. Instead, I basically proposed that she get all the cash and I get all the debt, plus I'd pay $1700 a month for nine months after the divorce, plus I'd pay for the house (which she would live in) until Taylor goes to college in six years, at which point we'd sell it and split the proceeds.
She weren't having that. It was like a sitcom episode, where the guy tries to tell his girlfriend he wants to break up, only to have her say "Yeah, that doesn't work for me. So where are we going for dinner tonight?" Brett has refused to agree to anything without talking to a lawyer first. Fine. But she hasn't bothered to talk to a lawyer. She's pretty much stopped talking about it at all. I want to be a good guy. I want to give her a chance to come to terms with this, and to find a way to decouple our financial lives in a way that allows her to stand on her feet. But she doesn't have the right to make me put my life on hold forever, and after five months enough is enough.
Before a judge will hear my petition for a divorce, we have to try mediation, with a professional mediator. I welcome this. I want an agreement with Brett, not something handed down by a judge after two lawyers have tossed hand grenades around the room. I called Brett today, and told her that this would be coming, that my lawyer would let her know when a date was set. I told her that I would be open to discussing any changes or wholesale alterations to my proposal. That I was definitely not going into this with a "not one penny more" attitude. That I wanted to give her time to think it through and figure out what would work for (quietly leaving out that she's had months already). Her response? "Thank you for the heads up."
Will she show up to the mediation session? Will she say anything? Will she use it as an opportunity to try to lash out, or look helpless? Or will we actually be able to reach an agreement so that we both can move on with our lives?
I guess I'll find out.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Status Update
Things I Now Have:
1. A crock pot
2. A divorce petition, filed with the county court
3. Two pairs of pants that fit
4. A dog who tries to chase her tail, even though it is too short and her turn radius too large to ever catch it
Things I Do Not Have:
1. A video of my dog trying to chase her tail
2. Patio furniture
3. An agreement on how to divide everything with the STBX
4. An iPod
1. A crock pot
2. A divorce petition, filed with the county court
3. Two pairs of pants that fit
4. A dog who tries to chase her tail, even though it is too short and her turn radius too large to ever catch it
Things I Do Not Have:
1. A video of my dog trying to chase her tail
2. Patio furniture
3. An agreement on how to divide everything with the STBX
4. An iPod
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Storyteller
Taylor played the Storyteller in her acting class's original production, The Story. Here's the video I shot of the opening song.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Hope, and Empathy
Brett never understood that what kept me going for so long was that my hope that somehow, something would change. Get better. And it kept overwhelming my rational side, convincing me to stick around, stick it out. And now I don't love her, and that hope is gone, and I can see things clearly at last.
Yesterday, being around her at Taylor's performance, it was clear that she's hoping that, somehow, I'll come back. No rational reason for it - I left months ago, I told her I didn't want to come back, I told her I want a divorce. But it's still there. And it's going to get crushed into the ground by the weight of cold, hard reality over the next few months, just like my hopes were. It's not something I would want for anybody - I know exactly how painful it is, how badly it hurts. And yet I'm going to be the one pulling the levers, setting the wheels in motion.
It's the right thing to do. I know that, not just for me, but for her too. And I will press on with it. But knowing what she's going through, pain that I wouldn't wish on a stranger, let alone someone I shared my life with, is going to suck.
No matter that she did the same to me.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Divorce
So, made an appointment to meet with a divorce attorney tomorrow. Go over details, crunch some numbers, come up with a game plan. I need to propose something to Brett that is generous enough that that she can accept it, but not so generous that I end up supporting her as well as Taylor.
I want to be fair. I want to make sure Taylor is taken care of. But after spending most of her adult life being supported by me, and yet complaining that I didn't do enough, I'm not at all sure what Brett is going to consider "fair". If those goes to a fight, I have no doubt that I'll end up coming out ahead financially, but we'll all feel like we lost. And that would be the wost possible outcome.
Bleh. I just want this to be over.
I want to be fair. I want to make sure Taylor is taken care of. But after spending most of her adult life being supported by me, and yet complaining that I didn't do enough, I'm not at all sure what Brett is going to consider "fair". If those goes to a fight, I have no doubt that I'll end up coming out ahead financially, but we'll all feel like we lost. And that would be the wost possible outcome.
Bleh. I just want this to be over.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I Has a Future
Okay, well, I haven't been putting up much about my personal life, because I've been enjoying it instead of struggling to make sense of it. Over the past six weeks or so, Julie and I have been growing closer and closer, more and more certain that we have found the right person, the one to spend the rest of our lives with. We've each had a chance to visit each other for a weekend, and she's coming to see me again for three days next week. It hasn't all been sunshine and puppies - long-distance relationships are hard, and when things get stressful (like, the when the "omg there's no way someone this wonderful could be in love with me - I must be making a fool of myself" fear hits) there's no way to just reach out and hold each other and be comforted. Instead, we have to rely on talking to each other. And we have gotten good at it, at talking, at communicating, letting the other know how much we love them. And it is wonderful.
It was only five days after we first started talking that we had this conversation. I'd been arguing with myself for two hours, trying to convince myself I couldn't possibly be feeling what I was feeling. That it just didn't make sense.
me: I think I am seriously falling for you. And - it's not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to spend months looking, going on dates with the wrong person again and again
and I don't understand what I did to deserve someone who just seems so right just appear out nowhere
the universe is something that always has played against me with loaded dice
being a nice decent guy has always meant that someone else gets the girl
and yet here you are
so loving and open and just so
so
so wonderful
Julie: see, now this is a response :)
Me: hush I gotta keep going
and you think I'm pretty special too
I just really can't believe this is happening - at some point I'm going to wake up and have to deal with the work of finding someone
just someone good enough
and yet here you are, and I'm thinking that, in spite of all my determination to go slow
to not get ahead of myself
to remember that I've only known you a few days
to remember that there's a risk of looking for any port in a storm
in spite of all that, and I've got a lot of willpower, don't underestimate it
in spite of all that
I'm crazy about you
I want to hop on a plane tonight and come see you
I want to wait patiently for three years, seeing you on weekends now and then, because I think you are worth waiting for
I think you are absolutely the most wonderful thing thing to happen to me in a long, long time
and even though this is a crazy, preposterous, reckless thing to say, I'm going to say it anyway
because it is true
I think I'm falling in love with you
Julie: ...can I talk now? :)
me: ok
I'm done
Julie: would ditto be a bad thing to say here?
Her three sons will be out of high school in a few years. She's promised them that she won't leave Florida until then, and I want to stay here to be close to Taylor. So, we're going to do the long-distance thing as best we can, visiting when we can, calling and e-mailing as often as possible. And when the time comes, and we can be together, it will be so wonderful. And, oh yeah, I'm gonna marry her.
It was only five days after we first started talking that we had this conversation. I'd been arguing with myself for two hours, trying to convince myself I couldn't possibly be feeling what I was feeling. That it just didn't make sense.
me: I think I am seriously falling for you. And - it's not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to spend months looking, going on dates with the wrong person again and again
and I don't understand what I did to deserve someone who just seems so right just appear out nowhere
the universe is something that always has played against me with loaded dice
being a nice decent guy has always meant that someone else gets the girl
and yet here you are
so loving and open and just so
so
so wonderful
Julie: see, now this is a response :)
Me: hush I gotta keep going
and you think I'm pretty special too
I just really can't believe this is happening - at some point I'm going to wake up and have to deal with the work of finding someone
just someone good enough
and yet here you are, and I'm thinking that, in spite of all my determination to go slow
to not get ahead of myself
to remember that I've only known you a few days
to remember that there's a risk of looking for any port in a storm
in spite of all that, and I've got a lot of willpower, don't underestimate it
in spite of all that
I'm crazy about you
I want to hop on a plane tonight and come see you
I want to wait patiently for three years, seeing you on weekends now and then, because I think you are worth waiting for
I think you are absolutely the most wonderful thing thing to happen to me in a long, long time
and even though this is a crazy, preposterous, reckless thing to say, I'm going to say it anyway
because it is true
I think I'm falling in love with you
Julie: ...can I talk now? :)
me: ok
I'm done
Julie: would ditto be a bad thing to say here?
Her three sons will be out of high school in a few years. She's promised them that she won't leave Florida until then, and I want to stay here to be close to Taylor. So, we're going to do the long-distance thing as best we can, visiting when we can, calling and e-mailing as often as possible. And when the time comes, and we can be together, it will be so wonderful. And, oh yeah, I'm gonna marry her.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Today's Lesson
Do Not buy a box of popsicles and then forget to take them out of the trunk of the car when you get home.
It were a catastrophe.
It were a catastrophe.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Update
Things I Do Not Yet Possess:
- Bottle of banana rum
- Divorce attorney
- A clue what to submit to 20th year college reunion yearbook
- 13x9 Cake pan
- Roll of aluminum foil (kinda messed up from when I dropped it on the floor and it unrolled)
- Reservations for a stateroom on a Carnival cruise ship for next December (with balcony!)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Saturday, March 07, 2009
So, So Happy
I can't believe it's only been a week.
I can't believe the universe decided to drop a sexy, intelligent, independent, caring, patient, wonderful woman who's crazy about me into my life at just the right moment.
The universe is slipping. If it was on its game, it would have dangled her in front of me when I was still trying to save my marriage, or put her in my path, only to have her fall for some tall handsome jerk instead.
Silly universe.
I can't believe the universe decided to drop a sexy, intelligent, independent, caring, patient, wonderful woman who's crazy about me into my life at just the right moment.
The universe is slipping. If it was on its game, it would have dangled her in front of me when I was still trying to save my marriage, or put her in my path, only to have her fall for some tall handsome jerk instead.
Silly universe.
Monday, March 02, 2009
ZOMG My Mind Is Spinning
But, in a totally good way.
Last November, I was feeling all set to go out and start dating. Had no idea who or how to go about it, but darn it! I was ready to move on with my life. And then that all came crashing down in an unpleasant train wreck as parts of my brain rebelled, insisting that I stick with what was familiar and comfortable. "But she made us unhappy!" "Too bad! We hate risk and uncertainty and loneliness!" Not understanding what was going on in my head, I managed to make an ass of myself and damaged a friendship (it's mostly recovered since then, but there's still some tender scars).
Then I retreated back to Brett. Spent a lot of time at the house at Christmas, fell into bed with her several times, let myself believe she was serious when she talked about finding a new therapist and working on the issues that had driven us apart.
So, after a month or so of this, I gathered myself together and resolved to start going forward again. Told Brett I wouldn't be spending social time with her anymore. Told myself this absolutely meant no more fooling around, no matter how bad we both might want it. And resolved to be alone for a while, slowly work on expanding my social circle, have low expectations but make it work this time.
And then last Friday I met somebody. Well, sort of. She's somebody I know through Warcraft, so we've known each other at that level for a while now. And I thought she seemed like a good person, with a good sense of humor, but that was about it.
But Friday she sent me a sweet, complimentary e-mail, and then I gave her a link to this blog, in case she was ever curious. Which means, she may be reading this now. (Hi, you! I'm kinda talking about you in the third person - hope that's okay.) Well, she read some of this and wrote back a very nice, very sympathetic e-mail, and expressed an interest in getting to be better friends. And I replied that that sounded good to me.
More e-mails. We discover that we find each other attractive. The attraction grows, and the e-mails become more personal, more intimate. And my head is spinning. Nobody has ever said some of these things to me before. It is all very exciting, and very fun.
So, where do we stand, and where are we going? No clue. We've talked about it, and agreed that we both want to let whatever happens, happen. Geography is definitely an issue - we live about 1000 miles apart. She has reasons for not wanting to commit to a relationship right now, and I certainly still have issues I'm dealing with. The last thing I want to do is get ahead of myself and torpedo a good thing again. She's been very understanding and accepting of this, that I'm going through some huge life changes, and I'm really glad she is. So, for now, we're friends with a few twists. And a little kink. And we'll enjoy it, and find out where it leads us.
Last November, I was feeling all set to go out and start dating. Had no idea who or how to go about it, but darn it! I was ready to move on with my life. And then that all came crashing down in an unpleasant train wreck as parts of my brain rebelled, insisting that I stick with what was familiar and comfortable. "But she made us unhappy!" "Too bad! We hate risk and uncertainty and loneliness!" Not understanding what was going on in my head, I managed to make an ass of myself and damaged a friendship (it's mostly recovered since then, but there's still some tender scars).
Then I retreated back to Brett. Spent a lot of time at the house at Christmas, fell into bed with her several times, let myself believe she was serious when she talked about finding a new therapist and working on the issues that had driven us apart.
So, after a month or so of this, I gathered myself together and resolved to start going forward again. Told Brett I wouldn't be spending social time with her anymore. Told myself this absolutely meant no more fooling around, no matter how bad we both might want it. And resolved to be alone for a while, slowly work on expanding my social circle, have low expectations but make it work this time.
And then last Friday I met somebody. Well, sort of. She's somebody I know through Warcraft, so we've known each other at that level for a while now. And I thought she seemed like a good person, with a good sense of humor, but that was about it.
But Friday she sent me a sweet, complimentary e-mail, and then I gave her a link to this blog, in case she was ever curious. Which means, she may be reading this now. (Hi, you! I'm kinda talking about you in the third person - hope that's okay.) Well, she read some of this and wrote back a very nice, very sympathetic e-mail, and expressed an interest in getting to be better friends. And I replied that that sounded good to me.
More e-mails. We discover that we find each other attractive. The attraction grows, and the e-mails become more personal, more intimate. And my head is spinning. Nobody has ever said some of these things to me before. It is all very exciting, and very fun.
So, where do we stand, and where are we going? No clue. We've talked about it, and agreed that we both want to let whatever happens, happen. Geography is definitely an issue - we live about 1000 miles apart. She has reasons for not wanting to commit to a relationship right now, and I certainly still have issues I'm dealing with. The last thing I want to do is get ahead of myself and torpedo a good thing again. She's been very understanding and accepting of this, that I'm going through some huge life changes, and I'm really glad she is. So, for now, we're friends with a few twists. And a little kink. And we'll enjoy it, and find out where it leads us.
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