Julie: Siri, tell my husband where I am.
Siri: Here is your message for Michael: "Where I am." Would you like me to send it?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Friday, March 09, 2012
Julie's Philosophy Of Homework
College student on TV sitcom: "Ever since I was a little girl I've had this problem with procrastination."
Julie: "That's not a problem, bitch, THAT'S A SKILL!!! And I has it many!"
Julie: "That's not a problem, bitch, THAT'S A SKILL!!! And I has it many!"
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Very Important Numbers
Many muches.
All of it.
257.
One million hundred.
Does you need me to kill you? You will like.*
*Okay, this one isn't really a number. But it's still important.
All of it.
257.
One million hundred.
Does you need me to kill you? You will like.*
*Okay, this one isn't really a number. But it's still important.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Friday, February 03, 2012
Living The Life Unexpected
I work days and Julie works nights, so we sometimes only get a few minutes together in a 24-hour period. Not fun, but you make the most of the time you do have. The other day I got home at the usual time, and Julie was taking a shower before going to work at the usual time. So I stand in bathroom doorway and we talk about nothing of any particular importance.
And then she took the showerhead down (it's one of those with a flexible hose), pulled back the curtain, and sprayed me! With absolutely no provocation or justification!
There were some obscenities. Some name calling. And a lot of hysterical laughing.
My parents observed when they came down to visit a month ago how I've come alive again, after years of slowly dying inside. It's because I get to spend my life laughing again, instead of just surviving.
And then of course we had to have the "I don't want to go to work" conversation. It's pretty routine, but she always finds a way to keep it fresh.
"I don't wanna go to work. I gonna quit my job."
"You're gonna do it, huh?"
"Yeah. You think there's a lot of demand for big overweight prostitiutes with double masectomies?"
"WHAT? Oh, hell no. Even if I thought there was, do you think I would tell you that there was?"
"Don't be such a big baby. You're not getting any tonight, but someone might as well."
One never knows what will come out of Julie's mouth. And I love it.
And then she took the showerhead down (it's one of those with a flexible hose), pulled back the curtain, and sprayed me! With absolutely no provocation or justification!
There were some obscenities. Some name calling. And a lot of hysterical laughing.
My parents observed when they came down to visit a month ago how I've come alive again, after years of slowly dying inside. It's because I get to spend my life laughing again, instead of just surviving.
And then of course we had to have the "I don't want to go to work" conversation. It's pretty routine, but she always finds a way to keep it fresh.
"I don't wanna go to work. I gonna quit my job."
"You're gonna do it, huh?"
"Yeah. You think there's a lot of demand for big overweight prostitiutes with double masectomies?"
"WHAT? Oh, hell no. Even if I thought there was, do you think I would tell you that there was?"
"Don't be such a big baby. You're not getting any tonight, but someone might as well."
One never knows what will come out of Julie's mouth. And I love it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Apparently I Lack Credibility
"I think I gotta kill you dead."
"You gotta do that, huh?"
"Yah, I does. You bring me the knife."
"All right, but give me a minute to prepare myself."
"You're so full of it. You ain't gonna bring me that knife."
"You gotta do that, huh?"
"Yah, I does. You bring me the knife."
"All right, but give me a minute to prepare myself."
"You're so full of it. You ain't gonna bring me that knife."
Friday, January 06, 2012
10 Things A Corporation Could Do If It Was Really A Person
It has become fashionable in some certain sectors of our society to argue that corporations, because they are made up of people, actually are people, with First Amendment rights. Not that corporations are particularly interested in, say, having to worship whichever religion they believe in, but they are interested in spending money to get certain politicians elected. Lots of money. Millions upon millions of dollars, because the right politicians can pass laws that result in far more money flowing into the corporations' coffers. GE earned $14.2 billion in 2010, yet owed zero in taxes. All completely legal.
Mitt Romney, who will probably become the Republican nominee this year by virtue of being able to blast his rivals into oblivion with corporation-paid-for commercials, is a strong advocate for the "corporations are people" argument. But there's more to being a person than contributing to a political campaign. Below is a short list of life experiences that most of us have done at least some of, yet no corporation ever has. Some of us may even most of these. (If you've done all them, though, for gods' sake take a break and lie down for a while.)
Work at McDonalds for minimum wage.
Participate in a wet t-shirt contest during spring break.
Lose its virginity.
Wander around the house trying to remember where it left its keys.
Go on "Dancing With The Stars".
Have its entire body scanned through its clothes by the TSA.
Throw up after drinking too much tequila.
Join the Army and have to do what the drill sergeant tells it to do.
Clean up the accident the puppy had on the living room carpet.
Be executed in Texas.
Seriously, when Tom Bergeron announces, "Tonight, ExxonMobil will be dancing the foxtrot with Maksim Chmerkovskiy", then maybe I'll believe corporations are people. Not before.
Mitt Romney, who will probably become the Republican nominee this year by virtue of being able to blast his rivals into oblivion with corporation-paid-for commercials, is a strong advocate for the "corporations are people" argument. But there's more to being a person than contributing to a political campaign. Below is a short list of life experiences that most of us have done at least some of, yet no corporation ever has. Some of us may even most of these. (If you've done all them, though, for gods' sake take a break and lie down for a while.)
Work at McDonalds for minimum wage.
Participate in a wet t-shirt contest during spring break.
Lose its virginity.
Wander around the house trying to remember where it left its keys.
Go on "Dancing With The Stars".
Have its entire body scanned through its clothes by the TSA.
Throw up after drinking too much tequila.
Join the Army and have to do what the drill sergeant tells it to do.
Clean up the accident the puppy had on the living room carpet.
Be executed in Texas.
Seriously, when Tom Bergeron announces, "Tonight, ExxonMobil will be dancing the foxtrot with Maksim Chmerkovskiy", then maybe I'll believe corporations are people. Not before.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Julie Doesn't Like Taking her Top Off For The Cancer Doctors Either
Don't know if Mardi Gras beads would make it better for her too....
Monday, December 19, 2011
She's Probably Right (She Usually Is)
Julie: So what are you getting me for Christmas?
Me: I can't tell you. It's a surprise.
Julie: Is it one of the two things I've told you I want but didn't just go buy myself?
Me: No, it's something else.
Julie: How can you know it's something I want if I didn't tell you?
Me: I came up with it on my own - I used my brain.
Julie: You no have brain!
Me: I can't tell you. It's a surprise.
Julie: Is it one of the two things I've told you I want but didn't just go buy myself?
Me: No, it's something else.
Julie: How can you know it's something I want if I didn't tell you?
Me: I came up with it on my own - I used my brain.
Julie: You no have brain!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
"We All Have A Burden In Life. I Am Your Burden. Your Fault You Chose Me."
During my shower:
"I'm going to steal your towel."
"You can not! I need it."
"You do not, you big baby."
"I do. Otherwise I will drip."
"You crazy shit."
"Did you just call me a 'crazy shit'?"
"Ya, you like."
As I am getting out:
"Come here. I will pour root beer on you."
"You can not! I'm all clean."
"It's still in the bottle, you fathead. It's clean."
"It will get me all sticky."
"Don't be silly. It's diet."
"I'm going to steal your towel."
"You can not! I need it."
"You do not, you big baby."
"I do. Otherwise I will drip."
"You crazy shit."
"Did you just call me a 'crazy shit'?"
"Ya, you like."
As I am getting out:
"Come here. I will pour root beer on you."
"You can not! I'm all clean."
"It's still in the bottle, you fathead. It's clean."
"It will get me all sticky."
"Don't be silly. It's diet."
Monday, November 28, 2011
Typical Monday Morning Conversation
Julie: My snuggie is in the car. Can you come home and bring it to me?
me: there are no blankets already inside?
Julie: I need the snuggie
I am trying to sit up and read this text book
me: you could turn off the fan and the a/c
Julie: are you insane?
me: apparently
Julie: also
the humidifier needs to be filled
how am I supposed to function without you??
me: I thought you liked being in control of your life
Julie: you do NOT get to use my personality quirks against me when I am being lazy.
besides Buffy is asleep under the blankets lying on me, you don't want to disturb her do you?
me: she barks at signposts. she's already disturbed
me: aw. Buffy is learning Growth & Development
Julie: yah
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
I'm Not Inspired Yet, But I'm Getting Close
Back when we first started dating, Julie decided she was ready to lose weight. But then her dad died, and then she was diagnosed with cancer, and then her uncle died, and with all the stress those caused dieting just wasn't in the cards. Particularly during the chemotherapy, when all that mattered was "will this food stay down?"
But time has past, and life is much more settled now, and she's decided it's time to give it a go. For two weeks now, she's been monitoring her calories and taking herself to the gym nearly every day. She also signed up to do an extra shift at the hospital every week for the next few months, at the end of which she'll get a very nice bonus. So she's been pushing herself hard. And it's paying off - she's down about ten pounds so far, and while it's hard work, it isn't overwhelming her. Even the edema in her chest isn't any worse than usual (or if it is, she's fighting through it without telling me).
I'm very excited to see this. Less than two years ago, she was so weak from the cancer treatments. Just one night of work would leave her exhausted for days. But now, she's strong, she's in control of her life, and she's accomplishing her goals. I am very, very proud of her. I am even starting to feel a little motivated to start pushing myself to go back to exercising too, although not quite yet. Soon.
She just walked in here after taking a shower to show off how when she wraps the towel around herself there's no longer a gap at the bottom from not reaching all the way around her stomach. That is a big hooray (although the lecherous part of me thinks that means we need smaller towels...).
But time has past, and life is much more settled now, and she's decided it's time to give it a go. For two weeks now, she's been monitoring her calories and taking herself to the gym nearly every day. She also signed up to do an extra shift at the hospital every week for the next few months, at the end of which she'll get a very nice bonus. So she's been pushing herself hard. And it's paying off - she's down about ten pounds so far, and while it's hard work, it isn't overwhelming her. Even the edema in her chest isn't any worse than usual (or if it is, she's fighting through it without telling me).
I'm very excited to see this. Less than two years ago, she was so weak from the cancer treatments. Just one night of work would leave her exhausted for days. But now, she's strong, she's in control of her life, and she's accomplishing her goals. I am very, very proud of her. I am even starting to feel a little motivated to start pushing myself to go back to exercising too, although not quite yet. Soon.
She just walked in here after taking a shower to show off how when she wraps the towel around herself there's no longer a gap at the bottom from not reaching all the way around her stomach. That is a big hooray (although the lecherous part of me thinks that means we need smaller towels...).
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, November 07, 2011
Five Facts They Don't Teach In History Class
1) A conspiracy of the founding fathers, led by John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, assasinated George Washington in 1784 as he was leaving his Masonic lodge.
2) The Spanish-American War of 1898 was triggered by a dispute over whether the Havana Sugarcutters (now the Arizona Diamondbacks) would join the American or the National League.
3) The Declaration of Independence was actually written by two socialists and a Baptist minister in 1891.
4) The state of California sank into the ocean in 1961. A joint effort by the FBI, the NSA, and the Walt Disney Company maintain the illusion that it is still there.
5) Lincoln's brain was kept alive in a jar, now stored in a secret vault under the Lincoln Memorial. Once a month the president comes down to the vault to consult with Lincoln's brain on current affairs of state. Most of the rest of the time, Lincoln's brain plays Battlefield III and Mario Brothers.
2) The Spanish-American War of 1898 was triggered by a dispute over whether the Havana Sugarcutters (now the Arizona Diamondbacks) would join the American or the National League.
3) The Declaration of Independence was actually written by two socialists and a Baptist minister in 1891.
4) The state of California sank into the ocean in 1961. A joint effort by the FBI, the NSA, and the Walt Disney Company maintain the illusion that it is still there.
5) Lincoln's brain was kept alive in a jar, now stored in a secret vault under the Lincoln Memorial. Once a month the president comes down to the vault to consult with Lincoln's brain on current affairs of state. Most of the rest of the time, Lincoln's brain plays Battlefield III and Mario Brothers.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
You Giefs iPhone Right Nao!
Julie: What you getting me for my birthday?
Me: A present.
J: What kind of present?
M: A wrapped one.
J: I know you're getting me a new iPhone, why you not just admit it?
M: You're birthday's in two weeks. You'll find out then.
J: That is too many long! I cannot wait.
M: Just be patient.
J: I cannot! I has a many fatigue and stress. You giefs me my present nao!
M: It's not your birthday yet.
J: I need!
M: I does not has yet.
J: you gonna forget to buy me one, I know it.
-- two days later --
J: I bought a new case for my phone that you're gonna give me for my birthday! See?
M: I guess I'm getting you a phone for your birthday.
J: Hooray! You go get it for me right now.
M: I don't have the money right now.
J: Well, don't you forget to buy it until the last minute and then I won't be able to use it on my trip to Florida.
M: I will get it on my next payday.
J: Good. We can go buy it together. This way I know you not screw it up, and then you can giefs!
M: But that's still a week before your birthday.
J: You're missing the point. You're not too bright, are you? That's okay, I love you anyway.
Me: A present.
J: What kind of present?
M: A wrapped one.
J: I know you're getting me a new iPhone, why you not just admit it?
M: You're birthday's in two weeks. You'll find out then.
J: That is too many long! I cannot wait.
M: Just be patient.
J: I cannot! I has a many fatigue and stress. You giefs me my present nao!
M: It's not your birthday yet.
J: I need!
M: I does not has yet.
J: you gonna forget to buy me one, I know it.
-- two days later --
J: I bought a new case for my phone that you're gonna give me for my birthday! See?
M: I guess I'm getting you a phone for your birthday.
J: Hooray! You go get it for me right now.
M: I don't have the money right now.
J: Well, don't you forget to buy it until the last minute and then I won't be able to use it on my trip to Florida.
M: I will get it on my next payday.
J: Good. We can go buy it together. This way I know you not screw it up, and then you can giefs!
M: But that's still a week before your birthday.
J: You're missing the point. You're not too bright, are you? That's okay, I love you anyway.
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