So, when we have a conversation like:
Julie (using her aristocratic voice): "Does .... does you need me to .... beat your heinie?"
Me: "What, with a giant black dildo?"
Julie: "Yeah!!! You will like!"
What we actually mean is:
Julie: "I love you and I am so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you."
Me: "I love you and I am so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you, too."
Just don't ask me why we use that language. There is, in fact, no beating and no giant dildo. All I know is, we know what we mean.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Is It Too Late To Trade In My Dad For The Cool One?
I mean, I love you Dad and all, but holy crap! With this one I could have had Shadowcat and Lockheed with my lunch. Along with about a bazillion more brown bags of awesome...
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Reality Has A Well-Documented Anti-Conservative Bias
"Now, therefore, I, Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011 to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas." Perhaps he was counting on the prayers to make up for the planned 20% cut in funding to the Texas Forest Service.
And how well did that work? Here's some recent footage from Bastrop State Park, not far from the state capital.
Either god is a mean bastard who really hates Texas and its governor and the 500 or so families who have lost their homes, or else Texas is a hot dry place to begin with that has suffered from the combined effects of the cyclical weather pattern La Nina and overall climate change.
The people who founded this country but barriers in place to separate government from religion, because they realized that governments suck at metaphysics and religions suck at managing a world controlled by predictable natural laws that can be studied and learned. It's too bad many of our modern leaders lack their wisdom.
And how well did that work? Here's some recent footage from Bastrop State Park, not far from the state capital.
Either god is a mean bastard who really hates Texas and its governor and the 500 or so families who have lost their homes, or else Texas is a hot dry place to begin with that has suffered from the combined effects of the cyclical weather pattern La Nina and overall climate change.
The people who founded this country but barriers in place to separate government from religion, because they realized that governments suck at metaphysics and religions suck at managing a world controlled by predictable natural laws that can be studied and learned. It's too bad many of our modern leaders lack their wisdom.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
You Gotta Be Kidding Me
Julie has to treat a lot of cancer patients as part of her job, because that's one of the things her hospital specializes in. Cancer patient in Austin area needs to be in ICU? They go to Seton Main. It sucks for her sometimes, having to deal with cancer patients when she is has cancer, but I think she's more or less accepted it and learned how to handle it, and probably sometimes is able to bring an extra degree of empathy. But tonight she tells me that she has a woman who was treated for Stage 2 breast cancer and thought she had beaten it, but now it's back and it's spread to her bones and liver. Which is almost always fatal. And there's about a one in five chance that the same thing will happen to Julie.
Fuck cancer. Fuck whatever insensitive fuckbrained asshole assigned that patient to Julie. Sometimes I hate her job almost as much as she does.
Fuck cancer. Fuck whatever insensitive fuckbrained asshole assigned that patient to Julie. Sometimes I hate her job almost as much as she does.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
A Slight Miscommunication
"Why on earth would you want to jump over me? Just go around me. You are such a dork."
"Um, no, actually I just said 'I want to jump you'. No 'over'."
"Oh. Ohhhh. Well, in that case, by all means carry on."
"Um, no, actually I just said 'I want to jump you'. No 'over'."
"Oh. Ohhhh. Well, in that case, by all means carry on."
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What I Was Up To One Year Ago Today (Sort Of)
Actually, it was one year ago yesterday. But I was doing other stuff yesterday.
It was a wonderful day. The rain stayed out in the gulf, the store we ordered the food from fixed their mistake in time, we didn't lose the rings, and I was the happiest man in the world.
One year later, I still am.
It was a wonderful day. The rain stayed out in the gulf, the store we ordered the food from fixed their mistake in time, we didn't lose the rings, and I was the happiest man in the world.
One year later, I still am.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Reason #732 Why My Wife Is Effing Awesome
Thursday, July 21, 2011
End Of An Era
So, the last space shuttle mission ended today. I've read and heard a number of people say that it is a sad thing. But, I don't see it that way. The space shuttles had a degree of coolness, but to be honest I'm glad they're done. In fact, I belong to the school of thought that manned space travel is a bad idea.
I shall explain.
One of the issues you have when you put a man into space is that you kind of need to bring him back. This means that in addition to the man, you need a vehicle. This vehicle needs a lot of fuel. This in turn means that you need a lot more fuel to get the man and his vehicle and its fuel into space in the first place. A Saturn V rocket was 363 feet tall and weighed seven million pounds, all necessary so that three men could go to the moon and back (and only two of them actually got to land - one had to stay in orbit). That's a lot. No other rocket comes close. I can't imagine how big a rocket you would need to send men to Mars and back.
Of course, going to Mars would mean a multi-stage mission, not a single shot. Probably an enhanced space station would be built to support a permanent moon base. The Mars mission would depart from there, probably with the crew in one rocket and supplies in other rockets. All just to get some men there who would take some pictures, collect some rocks, and then scamper for home.
Meanwhile, we are already exploring Mars. Mariner, Viking, Global Surveyor, Phoenix, Pathfinder, Odyssey, Spirit and Opportunity, Reconnaissance Orbiter, ... The list keeps growing, and each mission is more sophisticated than the last. There have been plenty of failed missions as well, but the price of failure is a hundred pounds of scrap metal smeared across a Martian plain. That's a lot cheaper than a half dozen human beings smeared across the same plain. A robotic explorer doesn't need food or water or exercise equipment or a toilet, and it doesn't need fuel to bring it back to earth. A human explorer may be able to do more than a single robot, but every year the gap is narrowing. How many robotic explorers could we send to Mars for the cost of a manned mission? Hundreds? Thousands? Not exciting, not glamorous, but we'd learn far more about another planet.
The space shuttle is basically a dump truck. Big payload, powerful but short-range rockets. To keep the cost down, it was designed withe the rockets, the fuel tanks, the payload, and the crew all side-by-side, rather than stacked like a conventional rocket. This meant that when something went wrong, as it did with Challenger in '86 and Columbia in '03, the crews were vulnerable, and they died. In both cases, cost- and PR-conscious NASA administrators overuled attempts to actually solve the problems, and the crews died. NASA has become as clumsy and badly-configured as the shuttles themselves.
Seeing people be launched into space, and safely return, is a stirring sight. But is it worth it, when there are cheaper, better ways that don't put brave people at risk? I don't think so.
I shall explain.
One of the issues you have when you put a man into space is that you kind of need to bring him back. This means that in addition to the man, you need a vehicle. This vehicle needs a lot of fuel. This in turn means that you need a lot more fuel to get the man and his vehicle and its fuel into space in the first place. A Saturn V rocket was 363 feet tall and weighed seven million pounds, all necessary so that three men could go to the moon and back (and only two of them actually got to land - one had to stay in orbit). That's a lot. No other rocket comes close. I can't imagine how big a rocket you would need to send men to Mars and back.
Of course, going to Mars would mean a multi-stage mission, not a single shot. Probably an enhanced space station would be built to support a permanent moon base. The Mars mission would depart from there, probably with the crew in one rocket and supplies in other rockets. All just to get some men there who would take some pictures, collect some rocks, and then scamper for home.
Meanwhile, we are already exploring Mars. Mariner, Viking, Global Surveyor, Phoenix, Pathfinder, Odyssey, Spirit and Opportunity, Reconnaissance Orbiter, ... The list keeps growing, and each mission is more sophisticated than the last. There have been plenty of failed missions as well, but the price of failure is a hundred pounds of scrap metal smeared across a Martian plain. That's a lot cheaper than a half dozen human beings smeared across the same plain. A robotic explorer doesn't need food or water or exercise equipment or a toilet, and it doesn't need fuel to bring it back to earth. A human explorer may be able to do more than a single robot, but every year the gap is narrowing. How many robotic explorers could we send to Mars for the cost of a manned mission? Hundreds? Thousands? Not exciting, not glamorous, but we'd learn far more about another planet.
The space shuttle is basically a dump truck. Big payload, powerful but short-range rockets. To keep the cost down, it was designed withe the rockets, the fuel tanks, the payload, and the crew all side-by-side, rather than stacked like a conventional rocket. This meant that when something went wrong, as it did with Challenger in '86 and Columbia in '03, the crews were vulnerable, and they died. In both cases, cost- and PR-conscious NASA administrators overuled attempts to actually solve the problems, and the crews died. NASA has become as clumsy and badly-configured as the shuttles themselves.
Seeing people be launched into space, and safely return, is a stirring sight. But is it worth it, when there are cheaper, better ways that don't put brave people at risk? I don't think so.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 08, 2011
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Messing With The In-Laws
J: I'm going to change my Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated."
M: Why would you do that?
J: Because then your parents will call you and ask what's wrong.
M: Yes, they will freak out and they will want to know what they can do to help, and they won't believe me when I say everything's fine so they will keep calling.
J: Yeah, you will like. It's good to talk to your parents.
M: No, it's going to get old after the second call.
J: Yes, but I will be amused, which is the most important thing. And then tomorrow? I'll change my status to "divorced". That'll really drive them crazy!
<thirty minutes later>
J: Ha-HAAAAH! I had a better idea. I'm going to make the change to your Facebook status! You will like.
M: Great googly moogly.
M: Why would you do that?
J: Because then your parents will call you and ask what's wrong.
M: Yes, they will freak out and they will want to know what they can do to help, and they won't believe me when I say everything's fine so they will keep calling.
J: Yeah, you will like. It's good to talk to your parents.
M: No, it's going to get old after the second call.
J: Yes, but I will be amused, which is the most important thing. And then tomorrow? I'll change my status to "divorced". That'll really drive them crazy!
<thirty minutes later>
J: Ha-HAAAAH! I had a better idea. I'm going to make the change to your Facebook status! You will like.
M: Great googly moogly.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Why The Hell Is This An Issue?
An article in Salon is talking about politeness and sexism and manners and "benevolent sexism" and punching feminists and all that stuff. The thing that jumped out at me in all this was how many people obsess about holding the door open for someone else. Is it acceptable? Is it sexist? Is it both, or is it just rude? Everyone's got an opinion, or an anecdote, or something.
What. The. Hell?
Here is my experience: when I go through a door (or open a door and am about to go through it) and I see someone approaching with the obvious intent of also going through the door, I hold the door so it doesn't close in their face. Usually I get a "thank you", sometimes there is no feedback. Conversely, when I am approaching a door someone else has just used, they almost always hold it open so it doesn't close in my face, and I say "thank you". It all takes about a second, and then we go on our separate ways. Certainly, nobody has ever yelled at me or threatened violence over it.
Now, nowhere in this is anybody's sex a factor. Ever. I hold the door for women and men alike, women and men alike hold the door for me. There's no chivalry, no condesencion, no fears of "does it make me kind of a fag?" It's just people being polite to each other, and it's never mattered whether I was in Texas or New York or California or Iowa.
Does these dynamics suddenly alter when neither party is a middle-aged nondescript guy? Or is the whole thing nothing more than a memory from how things were in some antideluvian era when everyone let the door close in guys' faces, a memory that keeps us from noticing how the world actually works today?
What. The. Hell?
Here is my experience: when I go through a door (or open a door and am about to go through it) and I see someone approaching with the obvious intent of also going through the door, I hold the door so it doesn't close in their face. Usually I get a "thank you", sometimes there is no feedback. Conversely, when I am approaching a door someone else has just used, they almost always hold it open so it doesn't close in my face, and I say "thank you". It all takes about a second, and then we go on our separate ways. Certainly, nobody has ever yelled at me or threatened violence over it.
Now, nowhere in this is anybody's sex a factor. Ever. I hold the door for women and men alike, women and men alike hold the door for me. There's no chivalry, no condesencion, no fears of "does it make me kind of a fag?" It's just people being polite to each other, and it's never mattered whether I was in Texas or New York or California or Iowa.
Does these dynamics suddenly alter when neither party is a middle-aged nondescript guy? Or is the whole thing nothing more than a memory from how things were in some antideluvian era when everyone let the door close in guys' faces, a memory that keeps us from noticing how the world actually works today?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Internet Brings People Together
Julie's in Florida this week, visiting her family. But thanks to the magic of the internet, we can stay close.
Julie: I miss you honey
Julie:here, I will help you not miss me
me: uh oh
Julie: Michael, will you write my paper?
Julie: I need rubs
Julie: can you get me a soda babe?
Julie: I hate school.
Julie: its all your fault
Julie: everything.
Julie: I will give you 5 dollars
Julie: there, feel better?
me: it's like you are right here with me 
Julie: I NEED MONIES
Two Of My All-Time Favorite Aliens
Friday, June 17, 2011
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