Things I Have Learned Watching Television

Towing an expensive car and needing to go to the bathroom really really bad is a dangerous combination.

You should not wear $1600 shoes if you are going to be marooned on a tropical island.

It is hard to keep a secret from your wife if you have a camera crew following you around.

If your "learning disability" is causing you to flunk out of law school and you are petitioning for "special consideration", that may be a sign that you aren't cut out to be a lawyer.

Bringing your mistress to a first date does not go over well.

Things I Learned Last Week Watching Television

A "glam wedding" does not mean everyone looks like Ziggy Stardust.

Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs" and Gene Simmons from "Kiss" are interchangeable.

It is possible to hit someone hard enough to "knock their socks off", provided (a) they aren't wearing shoes, (b) they are wearing low-friction material socks, (c) they shave their legs, and (d) you hit as hard as a five-ton steel beam traveling 65 miles per hour.

Idiot young women from the Jersey Shore grow up to be idiot Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Somewhere, there are parents gullible enough to believe their children's imaginary playmates are real.

Motorcycle racing is not, in fact, completely safe.

Walking around with a big rock in your pants will make people not vote for you.