So Tired

Kinnavieve is about one heroic run away from being geared well enough to tank Naxx. Now, whoever is responsible for healing her is going to have to work at it - she won't be shrugging off hits from bosses. But a couple pieces of rep gear, a session with an enchanter, and she'll be good enough. Problem is, if she stays in Aetherial Circle, I don't think she'll ever get the chance.

Putting together heroic runs is not something I'm good at, but I came home tonight determined to make one happen. Except a few minutes after I logged on, it was announced there was going to be a guild-wide Naxx pug. Everyone who wanted to go should sign on, and then they'd pick who got to go - a mix of experienced people and rooks. So I signed up. What they hey. Not like anyone was going to commit to a heroic with Naxx being dangled. And when they got their raid together, there was a healthy mix. For the dps, and the healers.

But the tanks? Mili and Celli. Uber geared. Uber experienced. Mili, fine. He was organizing it, he should pick himself. But he made it clear he was waiting for Celli to log on before going. Nobody asked abou my stats (and since I logged out in dps gear, I know no one made an evaluation based on the armory stats). It was just tanks without epics need not apply. And with ten people in Naxx, there weren't enough people left for a heroic. So no gearing up for Kinna either.

I'm sick of being behind the wave. People on the wave get to go on the good runs, whenever they want, people behind the wave have to make do with scraps. Sure, I could find pugs for the instances, but if all I have to look forward to is pugs, then why bother? That was why I made my AC toon my main in the first place, so I wouldn't have to feel alone. But now, I'm tired. Tired of feeling behind, on the outside, on my own. It's no fun, and that's the whole point of playing a game.

EDIT: Okay, so that was kinda QQish. Watching the oxygen get sucked out of the pool of people who can do heroics was pretty frustrating though. Hopefully that won't be a regular event - killing 1 boss a night in Naxx-10 isn't going to gear people up very fast, whoever you take.

Got Kinna's fishing to 300 this morning. As a special bonus, she got the weather-beaten fishing hat from the daily. Woot!

Leonid Brezhnev Woulda Killed For My Eyebrows

Assuming, that is, he felt his were insufficiently long and thick and inhumanly scary.

Women Would Kill For My Eyelashes

Long, thick, full-bodied, and A REAL FREAKING PAIN when you're eyes are dry and itchy and you just want to get some eyedrops in.

Grrrr.

Survived Another One

Me and Christmas, we don't get along too good. Goes back to when I was a teenager. As I grew up, it became less and less about feeling close to your loved ones for a day, and more about an orgy of materialism. Had a lot to do with our rising standard of living, and the winter mortality rate no longer running at 20-30%, I suppose. Whichever, Christmas became a day of deadlines and obligations and keeping score. Did you get a nice enough present for your mother? You don't want your grandparents to think you don't care, do you? God, I hated that. One year, we all agreed in mid-October that we would have a moratorium - no presents this year. Just be close as a family. Dec 24 rolls around, and everyone pulls out a stack of wrapped presents. Jeez, Michael, you took that seriously? Why? Well, you should apologize for that.

It's been a number of years, and I've made a lot of progress recovering from childhood issues and guilts, but this one still haunts me. There is much a love about the idea of Christmas, but much I hate about the reality.

A heavy North wind blew in last Sunday, bringing a shitload of cedar pollen along with it. My allergies are still running at full speed. Makes it hard to sleep at night, not being able to breathe. Then I got bit by some bugs on both my legs; fire ants, maybe. Wouldn't be so bad normally, but with the immune system in overdrive everything swelled and itched like crazy.

A few days ago, I was clumsy and careless and stupid, and as a result I caused a friend real distress. I feel terrible about having done this. I may have damaged our friendship - how badly I don't know yet - and I feel worse about this.

I began feeling real anger toward Brett this week, for the first time since moving out of the house. Kübler-Ross, stages of grief, all that. Healthy, normal part of dealing with loss. But this is Christmas, and I had promised to spend the Eve and the day with Brett and Taylor. So I chose to bury the anger, rather than let it hit everyone in the face. Doable. God knows I've had a lot of practice burying anger.

There is much I enjoy about Christmas. I like wrapping presents. I like baking pumpkin pies. I like The Grinch, and Ebeneezer Scrooge realizing he's alive, and eggnog. But I'm really glad this one is over.

I Get Feedback!

Conversation I had yesterday regarding this post:

Friend: so...
Me: hmm?
Friend: if I am reading your personal blog correctly...
Me: rut roh
Friend: as a married couple it would be months for sex?
Me: well, that's how it was turning out for us
Me: like 4 or 5 times a year
Friend: Oo
Friend: oO
Friend: OMFG. You were like room mates.
Me: that sounds a little low to you?
Friend: ...
Friend: low
Friend: I think I would kill myself.

So, I guess I'm not the only one thinking things were out of balance. Moot at this point, but still reassuring.

So, You Just Wish I Could Have Been Happy With You

Well, I wish a few things too.

I wish you had taken me seriously when I said I was getting close to the end of my rope.

I wish you hadn't insisted I was wrong when I said our home life was depressing me.

I wish you had been willing to come up with some kind of schedule for your farmwork, so the rest of us could know when to expect you and when not to.

I wish you hadn't insisted that we never throw anything out, ever.

I wish you had given me as much notice as you did your cows.

I wish you hadn't said that I would have to just learn to accept situations, because I didn't have any choice.

I wish you hadn't picked the wives of rich doctors, who spent their days being social and helping out with charitable events, as your role models.

I wish you had been willing to work with me when I said I wanted less complexity in our lives.

I wish you cared enough to give me a real reason to consider coming back.

Sometimes I Talk Too Much

I also think too much. Which is why I'm getting rid of what I'd originally wriiten here. Things'll be okay.

Friends

Been kinda of a roller-coastery week. At points, I felt happy to the point of giddy over some new experiences. At other times, I felt pretty damn low. But I've had friends to share both with, friends who made it clear they cared. A year ago, this wasn't the case.

Thanks, guys. Y'all are the best.

Somber

February will mark the six months since I moved out of the house. Tonight, Brett asked me where I wanted us to be at the point. And I had to tell her, that I felt that it would be bring our current state of limbo to a close. Either she needed to be seeing a therapist and dealing with her issues, or we needed to be seeing a couples therapist again, and make real progress toward reconciliation (which I believe is a long shot) or it would be time to begin making our separation official, and file for divorce.

God it hurt to say that. The words themselves hurt, and knowing that I was hurting her made it even worse. 

There's been so much pain these recent years. I don't want to be responsible for creating even more. But to not be honest, to pretend things can somehow magically get better on their own, would be so much worse. I need to be strong, somehow. To keep following the course I need  to in order to survive. And hopefully manage to not create any more pain along the way than is necessary.

I Think My Perspective Is Skewed

Apparently, there's a survey that apparently is being talked about in shock and dismay. Here's the NY Times' take on it. Apparently 46% of women and 30% of men said they'd rather go without sex for two weeks than go without the internet for two weeks. Um... so?

I think it's pretty normal for Brett and I to have different thoughts on how often we wanted to have sex. She was okay with how things were, I would have liked a somewhat higher frequency. As I understand it, that's true for most married couples. What was always hard to know was, was she reasonable? Was I? How often is enough? Was I (as she maintained) ridiculously oversexed?

So, here's my response to that survey. Asking me which I'd give up for two weeks, something that's a regular part of my daily life or something I didn't have anyway? Pfft. No brainer. Shoot, you could bump it up to two months without sex or the internet, and it'd still be an obvious choice.

Obviously, everyone's lives and circumstances are different, and with something as complicated as sex, I think it's impossible to say what's normal and what isn't. But I kinda get the sense from these survey results that I'm not the only one who'd think that sex every few months is kinda on the low side.

So, I'm A Bit Of A Doofus

But Hydra says I'm a cute doofus, so I'm okay with that.

Here Fishy Fishy!

My paladin character, Kinnavieve, only needs one more day to reach exalted with the Tuskarrs, at which point they will sell her an epic fishing pole. Not only does it give a big bonus to fishing skill, but it allows you to breathe underwater. Cool stuff.

Problem is, you need a minimum fishing skill level to use this pole, and as of yesterday Kinna had no skill. None. Zip. Never talked to the trainer, never bought a cheap generic pole, never caught a fish. And we're talking hours of fishing to reach the minimum starting from scratch.

So last night, Kinna and I settled in and started fishing. Fish fish fish. Caught over 500 of the slippery buggers (there's an Achievement for this, and the game announces it to your whole guild) and got about halfway to the required skill level. And it would have been boring as hell, except it wasn't.

A friend of mine got on Vent with me and we spent the evening talking. Some of it was about Warcraft, of course, but we also talked about jobs and childhoods and relationships and various other stuff that makes life what it is. It was good, getting to know someone better, and it made the evening really enjoyable. A real nice change from the "gotta level gotta level GOTTA LEVEL" treadmill Kinnavieve and I have been on the past couple months.

Full of Win

Cats aren't my favorite pets, but they can be fun to watch at times. Enjoy.

Freddie Fixit

Just got back from opening night of "Just As You Are", a performance by the children's theater group Taylor joined this year. She was awesome. She played Freddie Fixit, head of the maintenance department, and was the comedic relief for the show. Not only was her delivary and timing spot-on, but she also cracked the audience up several times with her expressions and body language when she wasn't center stage. Plus, at one point when another girl forgot her line, Taylor stepped up and said "I believe I have often heard you say, 'blah blah blah.'" Best of all, she was clearly having a lot of fun up on the stage.

I's a very proud dad. :)

Thoughts on Warcraft and WotLK

Still trying to process how I feel about what happened during Thanksgiving. We shall see if writing about something else first helps or not.

First thoughts on Wrath. It's excellent. The Death Knight class, and the questline you go through as you create one was very impressive. The zones on the new continent (at least so far) are very well laid out, with questsgivers very efficiently organized in centers, with lots of breadcrumb quests to allow you to move on when you feel ready. Vehicles are an amusing diversion so far, but I expect they will become more advanced as I level up. Lots of variety, the graphics look great, lots of vactions with rewards worth getting. All in all, a very impresive creation.

Now, the race from 70 to 80. I missed out on the first expansion 2 years ago, so I really didn't know what to expect. And because of my vacation, I didn't play much for the first week and a half. Two and a half weeks in, I've noticed a few definite trends in my guild. As of today, there are twelve people at the new cap of 80. Every night, there are runs of heroic instances. Below the cap, though, there are 2-4 people at each level, and the number actually on-line at any given time is lower still. As a result, putting together a group of five people at the appropriate level for a given instance is a slower and much less frequent occurance. This is consistent with what I've seen with other releases of new content - some are in a position to surf the wave, scooping up new experiences and rewards with their comrades, while others pick their way along in the wake as best they can and try to not fall too far behind. It's a little frustrating, being behind the wave and seeing people showing off their shiny new loots in guild chat, while knowing that no one would give a damn about my generic quest rewards. I hope that we don't end up with a situation where the early 80s don't decide to go off and become a 10-man raiding group, rather than waiting for enough people to level and gear up to do 25s.

On a more positive note, my story of the Death Knight Vyprania was a huge success. I enjoyed writing something very different from the usual light NeedMoreRage fare, and the comments I got, as well as verbal feedback from friends, were extremely positive.

Sleepy, so Ima gonna stop here.

Night!

Quick Notes

The door on the office fridge is broken. If you aren't careful opening it, it falls off, which is annoying.

My baby paladin is now 71, and is actually slightly stronger than the orc. Go go Kinnavieve!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I shall be baking pumpkin pies, and this year I will make sure Taylor's dog does not take a bite out of each one.

Thawing Out

Back in Texas. The cold front coming through today means that the high will only be 68 degrees. I can live with that.

Dating Report

So, I logged into Warcraft last night and immediately got several whispers asking how my dates had gone. Which was pretty cool – makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, knowing that people are interested. Especially after such a long time of struggling with feelings of loneliness and yet needing to keep my life hidden from the outside world.

But yeah, back to the dates. Or dates with training wheels. Or just getting together for a bit with a friend. Or however you want to look at it. They went great. I can't remember the last time I sat down at a restaurant with a single, attractive, available (at least theoretically) woman. I'm sure it happened once or twice in the last seventeen years. Must have. Just been so long I can't remember. But it was really nice. Good conversations, some good laughs, no awkward pauses. I felt relaxed and comfortable (most of the time – more on that in a minute), and I think I did a decent job of holding up my end of the conversations without dominating. Now, obviously, Bell's been a very good friend for over six months now, and Steph and I have been friends for more than half our lives, so unless I somehow fucked the evening up with grandiose fuckosity, things were pretty much guaranteed to be at least okay, so that took a lot of the pressure off. But everything went a lot better than just okay, which is going to help a lot with the not freaking out if and when I get an opportunity to go on a date with someone who isn't a friend yet.

Well, I kinda did have a couple of "oh crap, I shouldn't be doing this, should I?" moments. And I had to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that no, I wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was all okay. No one was gonna get mad or think I was a jerk or anything. And then it passed and I was relaxed and happy again. Knowing I was with a friend helped.

One thing I'm going to have to work on, I realize, is getting used to very different rules on physical contact. After years of marriage, I'm pretty used to it being able to just reach out to the woman I'm talking to and stroke her hair or touch her knee or whatever, because she's my wife and it's okay. And all three of the relationships I've had in my life started with some degree of physical intimacy before moving on to dating. But with a woman I'm just getting to know, it's obviously going to have to start with pretty much minimal contact, and stay that way until …. I dunno what. But something. Like I said, gonna have to work on this at some point.

Steph told me before we said goodbye that she expects monthly reports on my dating progress, although she won't be grading me. At first. Oh, and she suggested I try meetup.com as a starting point for creating a real-life (as opposed to on-line) social life. So I checked it out a bit, and found a few groups that look interesting. So we shall see.

Addiction

So, I'm at the local mini-market the other day with my sister, 'cause I wanted to have some Diet Coke while I'm staying with her. And she asks, "Do you want one or two two-liter bottles?"

"Four"

"Four??!?"

"Yeah, four. What?"

Need More Warm

Cold Pennsylvania is cold.